Here are your Horoscopes for this week.
♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your legs will hurt this week after you take the biggest crap in the toilet. You will be fine by Wednesday, but hurt again by Friday. You will write this off as an old Wii Bowling injury
♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will go for an unexpected trip when you fall up an escalator. It will be epic, just like you.
♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The Lord will work in mysterious ways this week. Kind of like council workers.
♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your work colleagues will secretly plan to kill you because you keep singing “Fly Robin Fly” from the Lego Batman movie. You better stay home.
♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your health will take a turn for the worst when you realise you’re getting fat after you make that grunting noise whilst putting your socks on.
♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You still refuse to download Ed Sheeran’s latest album because you’re not a 14 year old girl.
♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You realise how much you like bum bags because it’s where you keep your dignity.
♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Fashion is on the agenda this week. You want to buy an Apple iWatch but you don’t want everyone to know you have $500
♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Finances will take a hit this week after you have no problem spending $20 on lunch but will not buy an app if it’s $1.
♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will strike it rich and finally afford to pay someone else to assemble your IKEA ASKVOLL for you.
♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your work life will test you this week when you take the last Monte Carlo from the tea room. You will feel like a badass. Your boss will write this up in your performance report as not being a team player.
♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will hit the Montague Street Bridge in Melbourne… again. The Lord Mayor will give you the key to the city for your effort.