Here are your Horoscopes for this week.
♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
If it’s your birthday enjoy it like its your first.
♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
It’s OK, it happens to everyone. Just not as often. Your lucky colour is florescent black.
♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You’ll miss the toilet more than you think
♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your week is ruined when you realise it’s 2018 and those born in the year 2002 can get their L’s this year
♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You were visited by aliens last night and, based on your Facebook page, they found our species not worth investigating further
♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
A sneeze will nearly cripple you sometime this week. Not saying when. It’s a surprise.
♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your current life-threatening condition was entirely preventable. Isn’t that funny?
♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will stay humble by taking a lower paying position.
♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19
No one makes eating noises quite like you.
♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your sudden sweet tooth is probably a sign of impending doom. You develop a taste for Kale instead.
♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20
If you are unsure about something, then weigh your options and do the right thing. Remember that nobody can hold you down but yourself.
♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your still disappointed the theme from Rage didn’t make Triple J’s Hottest 100. It ruins your week.