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    Funko Immortalize Cogho In Pop! Vinyl Form

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    Bendigo TattsLotto Winner Decides To Fix Hargreaves Mall Himself

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    Local Office Worker Who Doesn’t Carry Cash Told He’s A Year Behind In Casual Dress Donations

    Bendigo TattsLotto Winner Decides To Fix Hargreaves Mall Himself

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    Scottish Vets Neuter Prime Possum

    Grown Adult Still Traumatised By Faceless Doll In 90’s Kids Show

    Brendan Fraser Signs On For “Pre-Covid Man”

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    Channel 10 Begins Filming I’m From Bong Gully… Get Me Out Of Here ya ****!

    Tramspotting Screening at the Star Cinema

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    Is Buddy Giving Two Up Yours or Two Thumbs Up? You Be The Judge

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    5G Causes Tim Reuben To Leave Hit FM

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  • Sport

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    Carlton Currently Undefeated In 2019

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  • News
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    Funko Immortalize Cogho In Pop! Vinyl Form

    Local Office Worker Who Doesn’t Carry Cash Told He’s A Year Behind In Casual Dress Donations

    Bendigo TattsLotto Winner Decides To Fix Hargreaves Mall Himself

    Busker Ready To Revive Coles Busking Scene For The Third Time

    Trump Hires Sweaty Law Expert Dennis Denuto

    Bendigo Council Elections A Shambles. America: “Hold My Beer”

    Scottish Vets Neuter Prime Possum

    Church Of Scientology Brings Love To Universal Nightclub

    Bendigo Council’s Self Respect Discovered Under Rubble

  • Bendi-Life
    • All
    • Fashion
    • Health
    • Horoscopes
    • Humans of Bendigo
    • Money
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    • What's On

    Local Office Worker Who Doesn’t Carry Cash Told He’s A Year Behind In Casual Dress Donations

    Bendigo TattsLotto Winner Decides To Fix Hargreaves Mall Himself

    Scottish Vets Neuter Prime Possum

    Council Shuts Down 6 Year Old’s Marijuana Stand For Not Having A Permit

    Dan Andrews Reveals Ring Of Steel Is Just A Giant Egg Ring

    Melbournians Urged to Stay The Fork Away From Bendigo

    Moama Man Drives To Dubbo Dan Murphy’s After Being Denied Entry To Echuca

    Bendigo Airport Offers Fake Flights For Sydney-Starved Tourists

    Local COVID-19 Patients Quarantined On Lake Tom Thumb Island

  • Entertainment
    • All
    • Movies
    • Music
    • TV

    Scottish Vets Neuter Prime Possum

    Grown Adult Still Traumatised By Faceless Doll In 90’s Kids Show

    Brendan Fraser Signs On For “Pre-Covid Man”

    10 Albums That Impacted The Bendigo Standard

    Dad Refers To Groovin The Moo As ‘Groovin To The Moo’

    Bendi-Con Cosplayer Dressed As Dr Manhattan Arrested By Police, Told To Put Pants On

    Channel 10 Begins Filming I’m From Bong Gully… Get Me Out Of Here ya ****!

    Tramspotting Screening at the Star Cinema

    Great Scott! Rod Fyffe Cast As Doc Brown In Upcoming Back To The Future Remake

  • Food + Drink

    Hoarder Cocktail Night Recipes: Hand Sanitizer And Cola, And More

    Hoarder Fashion: Pasta Necklaces Are In This Year!!!!

    Local Man To Take Part In Eating In Bed Olympics

    Darrell Lea To Release The Taste Of Bendigo

    Local Man Gives Three Thumbs Up To Bendigo’s Smallest Parma

    Local Man Fired For Putting Communal Sauce In The Fridge

    Local Man Discovers You Can’t Get Naked At Get Naked Espresso Bar

    “Babyccino’s Are Gateway to Caffeine Addiction” Says Local Mum

    Is Buddy Giving Two Up Yours or Two Thumbs Up? You Be The Judge

  • Technology

    5G Causes Tim Reuben To Leave Hit FM

    Parents On Laptops Complain About Kids On Tablets

    COVIDsafe App Not As Fun or Security Flawed As FaceApp

    Zoom Replaces Excel As Most Hated Workplace App

    Cat Fails To Search For Coronavirus Cure

    Local Man Records Sound Of Fart

    Local Man creates Bendigo Have Your Say app

    Local unsure if ‘Bendigo Lifts 4 Cash’ is for drug deals or booty calls

    Local Influencers Apply For Centrelink After Instagram Goes Down

  • Sport

    Most Complicated Hopscotch Ever Produced

    Anakin Skywalker Declares Coronavirus Is “Not Podracing”

    Local Man To Take Part In Eating In Bed Olympics

    AFL Suggests Putting Zip Ties On Your Helmet To Prevent Magpie Attacks During Finals

    Hawthorn Announces New Mascots

    Right Up Your Alley: S#!*ty Bowling Launches In Bendigo

    Kangaroo Sets Sights On Anthony Mundine After Enrolling In Boxing Class

    Bendigo Trolley Pusher Breaks World Record

    Carlton Currently Undefeated In 2019

The Bendigo Standard
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Your Horoscope – Week Of March 4, 2019

Mike Elliott by Mike Elliott
March 4, 2019
in Horoscopes

Here are your Horoscopes for this week.


♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Finances will take a hit this week after you have no problem spending $20 on lunch but will not buy an app if it’s $1.


♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19

You will strike it rich and finally afford to pay someone else to assemble your IKEA ASKVOLL for you.


♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Your work life will test you this week when you take the last Monte Carlo from the tea room. You will feel like a badass. Your boss will write this up in your performance report as not being a team player.


♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You will hit the Montague Street Bridge in Melbourne… again. The Lord Mayor will give you the key to the city for your effort.


♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Your legs will hurt this week after you take the biggest crap in the toilet. You will be fine by Wednesday but hurt again by Friday. You will write this off as an old Wii Bowling injury


♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You will go on an unexpected trip when you fall up an escalator. It will be epic, just like you.


♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

The Lord will work in mysterious ways this week. Kind of like council workers.


♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Your work colleagues will secretly plan to kill you because you keep singing “Fly Robin Fly” from the Lego Batman movie. You better stay at home.


♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Your health will take a turn for the worst when you realise you’re getting fat after you make that grunting noise whilst putting your socks on.


♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You still refuse to download Ed Sheeran’s latest album because you’re not a 14-year-old girl.


♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You realise how much you like bum bags because it’s where you keep your dignity.


♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Fashion is on the agenda this week. You want to buy an Apple iWatch but you don’t want everyone to know you have $500

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  • Funko Immortalize Cogho In Pop! Vinyl Form
  • Local Office Worker Who Doesn’t Carry Cash Told He’s A Year Behind In Casual Dress Donations
  • Bendigo TattsLotto Winner Decides To Fix Hargreaves Mall Himself
  • Busker Ready To Revive Coles Busking Scene For The Third Time
  • Trump Hires Sweaty Law Expert Dennis Denuto
  • Bendigo Council Elections A Shambles. America: “Hold My Beer”
  • Scottish Vets Neuter Prime Possum
  • Church Of Scientology Brings Love To Universal Nightclub
  • Bendigo Council’s Self Respect Discovered Under Rubble
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