Your Horoscope – Week Of November 26, 2018

Here are your Horoscopes for this week.

♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

The cleaning lady is spitting in your sock drawer. • Your carpet will stop matching your curtains. • Venus is making itself felt in your pants today. • All your furniture has moved one inch to the left.

♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19

♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Face facts, you are a hilarious drunk. • You will contract a previously unheard of strain of the flu. • Your smile scares children. • An argument over a parking ticket will lead to romantic entanglement.

♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20

The body under the couch is starting to smell. • You will be asked to dance by a stranger wearing a sandwich board. • Keep your mood swings under control. • Clean the gutters, so to speak.

♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22

It’s OK, it happens to everyone. Just not as often. • Do something for yourself for once. Do it! What did I just say? • Just go sleep on the couch tonight. You don’t want to know why.

♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

The planetary influences will irritate your bowels this week. • Your enemies are massing at the borders.

♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

God will tell you the meaning of your existence, but in a thick, unintelligible accent. • You will be asked to dance by a stranger wearing a sandwich board.

♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You’ll discover your eyes are different sizes. • Someone will spit in your taco. • Your next career: Master Level Ferris Wheel Operator

♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Stick to tea. Coffee is making the your ego bigger. • You’ll be more inclined to relax almost to the point of coma. • Your lucky number is a bakers dozen.

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