Here are your Horoscopes for this week.
♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The cleaning lady is spitting in your sock drawer. • Your carpet will stop matching your curtains. • Venus is making itself felt in your pants today. • All your furniture has moved one inch to the left.
♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19
♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Face facts, you are a hilarious drunk. • You will contract a previously unheard of strain of the flu. • Your smile scares children. • An argument over a parking ticket will lead to romantic entanglement.
♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The body under the couch is starting to smell. • You will be asked to dance by a stranger wearing a sandwich board. • Keep your mood swings under control. • Clean the gutters, so to speak.
♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22
It’s OK, it happens to everyone. Just not as often. • Do something for yourself for once. Do it! What did I just say? • Just go sleep on the couch tonight. You don’t want to know why.
♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The planetary influences will irritate your bowels this week. • Your enemies are massing at the borders.
♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
God will tell you the meaning of your existence, but in a thick, unintelligible accent. • You will be asked to dance by a stranger wearing a sandwich board.
♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You’ll discover your eyes are different sizes. • Someone will spit in your taco. • Your next career: Master Level Ferris Wheel Operator
♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Stick to tea. Coffee is making the your ego bigger. • You’ll be more inclined to relax almost to the point of coma. • Your lucky number is a bakers dozen.