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    Scottish Vets Neuter Prime Possum

    Church Of Scientology Brings Love To Universal Nightclub

    Bendigo Council’s Self Respect Discovered Under Rubble

    Mask Horror! Eaglehawk Woman Sets Own Face On Fire Lighting A Durry

    Council Shuts Down 6 Year Old’s Marijuana Stand For Not Having A Permit

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    Scottish Vets Neuter Prime Possum

    Council Shuts Down 6 Year Old’s Marijuana Stand For Not Having A Permit

    Dan Andrews Reveals Ring Of Steel Is Just A Giant Egg Ring

    Melbournians Urged to Stay The Fork Away From Bendigo

    Moama Man Drives To Dubbo Dan Murphy’s After Being Denied Entry To Echuca

    Bendigo Airport Offers Fake Flights For Sydney-Starved Tourists

    Local COVID-19 Patients Quarantined On Lake Tom Thumb Island

    Person Goes To Mickey Mouse Hill For The View

    Father Of Three Asks, “Is It Wednesday?”

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    Scottish Vets Neuter Prime Possum

    Grown Adult Still Traumatised By Faceless Doll In 90’s Kids Show

    Brendan Fraser Signs On For “Pre-Covid Man”

    10 Albums That Impacted The Bendigo Standard

    Dad Refers To Groovin The Moo As ‘Groovin To The Moo’

    Bendi-Con Cosplayer Dressed As Dr Manhattan Arrested By Police, Told To Put Pants On

    Channel 10 Begins Filming I’m From Bong Gully… Get Me Out Of Here ya ****!

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    Local Man Gives Three Thumbs Up To Bendigo’s Smallest Parma

    Local Man Fired For Putting Communal Sauce In The Fridge

    Local Man Discovers You Can’t Get Naked At Get Naked Espresso Bar

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    Is Buddy Giving Two Up Yours or Two Thumbs Up? You Be The Judge

  • Technology

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    Bendigo Trolley Pusher Breaks World Record

    Carlton Currently Undefeated In 2019

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  • News
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    • Politics
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    Trump Hires Sweaty Law Expert Dennis Denuto

    Bendigo Council Elections A Shambles. America: “Hold My Beer”

    Scottish Vets Neuter Prime Possum

    Church Of Scientology Brings Love To Universal Nightclub

    Bendigo Council’s Self Respect Discovered Under Rubble

    Mask Horror! Eaglehawk Woman Sets Own Face On Fire Lighting A Durry

    Council Shuts Down 6 Year Old’s Marijuana Stand For Not Having A Permit

    Grown Adult Still Traumatised By Faceless Doll In 90’s Kids Show

    Dan Andrews Reveals Ring Of Steel Is Just A Giant Egg Ring

  • Bendi-Life
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    • Money
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    Scottish Vets Neuter Prime Possum

    Council Shuts Down 6 Year Old’s Marijuana Stand For Not Having A Permit

    Dan Andrews Reveals Ring Of Steel Is Just A Giant Egg Ring

    Melbournians Urged to Stay The Fork Away From Bendigo

    Moama Man Drives To Dubbo Dan Murphy’s After Being Denied Entry To Echuca

    Bendigo Airport Offers Fake Flights For Sydney-Starved Tourists

    Local COVID-19 Patients Quarantined On Lake Tom Thumb Island

    Person Goes To Mickey Mouse Hill For The View

    Father Of Three Asks, “Is It Wednesday?”

  • Entertainment
    • All
    • Movies
    • Music
    • TV

    Scottish Vets Neuter Prime Possum

    Grown Adult Still Traumatised By Faceless Doll In 90’s Kids Show

    Brendan Fraser Signs On For “Pre-Covid Man”

    10 Albums That Impacted The Bendigo Standard

    Dad Refers To Groovin The Moo As ‘Groovin To The Moo’

    Bendi-Con Cosplayer Dressed As Dr Manhattan Arrested By Police, Told To Put Pants On

    Channel 10 Begins Filming I’m From Bong Gully… Get Me Out Of Here ya ****!

    Tramspotting Screening at the Star Cinema

    Great Scott! Rod Fyffe Cast As Doc Brown In Upcoming Back To The Future Remake

  • Food + Drink

    Hoarder Cocktail Night Recipes: Hand Sanitizer And Cola, And More

    Hoarder Fashion: Pasta Necklaces Are In This Year!!!!

    Local Man To Take Part In Eating In Bed Olympics

    Darrell Lea To Release The Taste Of Bendigo

    Local Man Gives Three Thumbs Up To Bendigo’s Smallest Parma

    Local Man Fired For Putting Communal Sauce In The Fridge

    Local Man Discovers You Can’t Get Naked At Get Naked Espresso Bar

    “Babyccino’s Are Gateway to Caffeine Addiction” Says Local Mum

    Is Buddy Giving Two Up Yours or Two Thumbs Up? You Be The Judge

  • Technology

    5G Causes Tim Reuben To Leave Hit FM

    Parents On Laptops Complain About Kids On Tablets

    COVIDsafe App Not As Fun or Security Flawed As FaceApp

    Zoom Replaces Excel As Most Hated Workplace App

    Cat Fails To Search For Coronavirus Cure

    Local Man Records Sound Of Fart

    Local Man creates Bendigo Have Your Say app

    Local unsure if ‘Bendigo Lifts 4 Cash’ is for drug deals or booty calls

    Local Influencers Apply For Centrelink After Instagram Goes Down

  • Sport

    Most Complicated Hopscotch Ever Produced

    Anakin Skywalker Declares Coronavirus Is “Not Podracing”

    Local Man To Take Part In Eating In Bed Olympics

    AFL Suggests Putting Zip Ties On Your Helmet To Prevent Magpie Attacks During Finals

    Hawthorn Announces New Mascots

    Right Up Your Alley: S#!*ty Bowling Launches In Bendigo

    Kangaroo Sets Sights On Anthony Mundine After Enrolling In Boxing Class

    Bendigo Trolley Pusher Breaks World Record

    Carlton Currently Undefeated In 2019

The Bendigo Standard
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Your Horoscope – Week Of November 5, 2018

Mike Elliott by Mike Elliott
November 5, 2018
in Horoscopes

Here are your Horoscopes for this week.

♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

There’s nothing good on tonight. • People like you make me sick. • Baked goods are in abundance. • Aaaaah! There’s a bug on your shoulder!


♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Your misgivings are grounded in paranoia. • Do us a favor, get the surgery. Please. • Someone who you least expect to be interested…isn’t. • Your lucky number is 37.


♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Being unique just means you don’t fit in. • Believe everything you read. • You find your new feelings rather confusing. Speak to the police. • Donald Trump is plotting against you again.


♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Your best friend just called you a loser. • Things are about to get interesting, but not for you. • You’ve always been committed to being yourself. Stop it. • Your lucky number is -0.


♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Your neighbor harbors a deep resentment. • No one cares. • Your next Career: Taxidermist • There are bodies in your trunk.


♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19

Your curtains are not opaque. • Today is what life’s all about. Go get ’em tiger! • It’s as bad as you think. • A sneeze will nearly cripple you tomorrow.


♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Today will bring you great joy. Feel free to run in place like a child. • Your weight problem is not why people don’t like you. • Next Career: Satanic Guidance Counselor • Failure is certainly an option.


♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Go with the waffles instead of the pancakes. • The hardest part is ahead. Stay home and rest. • You find your new feelings rather confusing. Speak to the police. • Your lucky number is .437.


♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You will suddenly understand both particle physics and empathy. • Stay away from the parrot. • Your next Career: Pet Therapist • Buy a cat and name it Mike. It will get you out of a jam.


♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Your car has a flat but we won’t say where • Wipe the seat, pig. • Your next Career: Big W Door Greeter • Defrost your freezer before it’s too late.


♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Your coworkers are planning your birthday party. • Believe everything you read. • Your next Career: Skeptic • Your lucky number is -6.


♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Take a lower paying position. • You will find a Drop Bear in your laundry. • Your next Career: Sketch Artist • There’s no substitute for unbridled laziness.

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This Just In

  • Trump Hires Sweaty Law Expert Dennis Denuto
  • Bendigo Council Elections A Shambles. America: “Hold My Beer”
  • Scottish Vets Neuter Prime Possum
  • Church Of Scientology Brings Love To Universal Nightclub
  • Bendigo Council’s Self Respect Discovered Under Rubble
  • Mask Horror! Eaglehawk Woman Sets Own Face On Fire Lighting A Durry
  • Council Shuts Down 6 Year Old’s Marijuana Stand For Not Having A Permit
  • Grown Adult Still Traumatised By Faceless Doll In 90’s Kids Show
  • Dan Andrews Reveals Ring Of Steel Is Just A Giant Egg Ring
  • No Free Parking? Bendigo Councillors Added To Santa’s Naughty List
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