Here are your Horoscopes for this week.
♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
There’s nothing good on tonight. • People like you make me sick. • Baked goods are in abundance. • Aaaaah! There’s a bug on your shoulder!
♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your misgivings are grounded in paranoia. • Do us a favor, get the surgery. Please. • Someone who you least expect to be interested…isn’t. • Your lucky number is 37.
♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Being unique just means you don’t fit in. • Believe everything you read. • You find your new feelings rather confusing. Speak to the police. • Donald Trump is plotting against you again.
♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your best friend just called you a loser. • Things are about to get interesting, but not for you. • You’ve always been committed to being yourself. Stop it. • Your lucky number is -0.
♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your neighbor harbors a deep resentment. • No one cares. • Your next Career: Taxidermist • There are bodies in your trunk.
♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your curtains are not opaque. • Today is what life’s all about. Go get ’em tiger! • It’s as bad as you think. • A sneeze will nearly cripple you tomorrow.
♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Today will bring you great joy. Feel free to run in place like a child. • Your weight problem is not why people don’t like you. • Next Career: Satanic Guidance Counselor • Failure is certainly an option.
♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Go with the waffles instead of the pancakes. • The hardest part is ahead. Stay home and rest. • You find your new feelings rather confusing. Speak to the police. • Your lucky number is .437.
♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will suddenly understand both particle physics and empathy. • Stay away from the parrot. • Your next Career: Pet Therapist • Buy a cat and name it Mike. It will get you out of a jam.
♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your car has a flat but we won’t say where • Wipe the seat, pig. • Your next Career: Big W Door Greeter • Defrost your freezer before it’s too late.
♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your coworkers are planning your birthday party. • Believe everything you read. • Your next Career: Skeptic • Your lucky number is -6.
♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Take a lower paying position. • You will find a Drop Bear in your laundry. • Your next Career: Sketch Artist • There’s no substitute for unbridled laziness.