Here’s our guide to what the stars have in store for you this week!
♈ ARIES
March 21 to April 19
Your energy today is like a meerkat trapped in a washing machine. Sure, you’re enthusiastic, but nobody asked for that chaos. Take a deep breath before you implode like a piñata filled with expired coupons.
♉ TAURUS
April 20 to May 20
Taurus, you’re about as flexible as a brick in a yoga class. Clinging to your routine is great, but today, it’s like you’re trying to ride a unicycle across a road made of butter. Sort it out.
♊ GEMINI
May 21 to June 20
You’re like a cat in a windstorm—confused and disoriented but somehow pretending you’ve got it all under control. Spoiler alert: nobody’s buying it. Focus on one thing today instead of chasing ten different possums in your brain.
♋ CANCER
June 21 to July 22
Cancer, your feelings today are like a bag of wet laundry left in the car overnight. Damp, heavy, and starting to smell. Maybe dial back the emotional sprinkler system before you drown everyone around you.
♌ LEO
July 23 to August 22
Leo, your confidence is sky-high today, like a hot air balloon filled with helium and bad ideas. While you’re out there demanding attention like a firetruck in a library, remember this: not everyone is impressed by your “roaring.” Some people think you’re a leaf blower in a hurricane.
♍ VIRGO
August 23 to September 22
Your feelings today are like a squirrel trapped in a vending machine—confused, desperate, and weirdly snack-oriented. Avoid taking things personally, even if a stapler falls on your foot. It’s not the universe sending you a message; it’s just gravity being a jerk again… or something like that.
♎ LIBRA
September 23 to October 22
Libra, you’re like a broken seesaw at a playground no one goes to anymore—endlessly teetering but getting nowhere. Can you decide today without consulting twelve people and a Magic 8 Ball? The stars say no.
♏ SCORPIO
October 23 to November 21
Try embracing change today—like a toaster learning how to swim. If that doesn’t work, go back to arguing with your houseplants. They’ll never judge you.
♐ SAGITTARIUS
November 22 to December 21
Sagittarius, you’re like a pogo stick in a room full of thumbtacks—full of energy but dangerously close to disaster. Even a broken clock is right twice a day unless it’s digital, in which case…good luck.
♑ CAPRICORN
December 22 to January 19
Capricorn, you’re working harder than a hamster on a caffeine drip. You think you’re getting somewhere, but really, you’re just spinning the wheel. Here’s a wild thought: relax. Even a turtle knows when to pull its head back in and take a nap.
♒ AQUARIUS
January 20 to February 18
Aquarius, you’re thinking so far outside the box today you’ve forgotten what the box looks like. You’re like a remote control without batteries—nothing’s happening, but you keep pushing buttons. Be like a goldfish driving a lawnmower: confusing, yet somehow inspiring.
♓ PISCES
February 19 to March 20
Pisces, you’re floating around like a helium balloon in a Bunnings—entirely out of place but somehow okay with it. Snap back to reality before someone ties you to a lawn chair.
