♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your coworkers are planning your birthday party. But they have the wrong date. • Have you changed your diet recently? It smells like it
♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Give up on your dreams, everyone else has. • You will be asked to dance by a stranger wearing a sandwich board.
♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will contract an illness that’s more irritating than dangerous. • Hide it, no one saw!
♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19
♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Do something for yourself for once. Do it! What did I just say? • Eat in more and eat more when you eat.
♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your neighbour is reading your mail. • Tired of the constant accusations, you will buy a dog to take the heat for farting.
♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your boss is plotting against you. You have to stop him. Now! • Try a new deodorant.
♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Things are about to get interesting, but not for you. • Your keys are missing.
♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will contract a previously unheard of strain of the flu. • Your exciting plans for the weekend bore the planets.