Here are your Horoscopes for this week.
♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The world is your oyster. Gross. • Call in sick. You’ll know why. • Learn how to drive jerk! • Your lucky colour is Laptop screen black.
♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
A fart plays a pivitol role in your relationship. • You win some, you lose some. • You can accomplish anything, as long as it’s painfully easy. • Your lucky colour is Fluorescent black.
♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The stars say shut up. • You will be mistaken for a celebrity you detest. • Tired of the constant accusations, you will buy a dog to take the heat for farting. • Your lucky colour is Sky grey.
♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your socks don’t match. Made you look! • Walk it off. • The only thing to fear is fear itself. • Your lucky colour is poo green.
♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Work out. Then again, why bother? • Stay away from dairy products. • Yeah, she was talking about you. • Your lucky colour is Poo yellow.
♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19
Three words: Learn how to count. • The person in the stall before you had untreated genital warts. • Keep an eye out for rabid drop bears this month. • Your lucky colour is Ranga red.
♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The police are listening. • The bump on your back is actually the head of your unformed twin. • Your fun side comes out in obscene ways. • Your lucky colour is Baby poo black.
♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your workouts would be more effective if you stopped eating between sets. •Quit your job. Who needs that crap? • Put yourself out there. • Your lucky colour is Voltron lion black.
♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Wipe the seat, pig. • All is not lost. But most of it is. • You will get a phone call that will change your life as it relates to pizza.. • Your lucky colour is Voltron lion Red.
♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You’ll discover your eyes are different sizes. • Your paranoia is justified. • You’ll be more inclined to relax almost to the point of coma. • Your lucky colour is Voltron lion green.
♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Yep, that’s a drop bear. • You’ve always been committed to being yourself. Stop it. • Something will slip out of your hand and break your foot tomorrow.• Your lucky colour is Voltron lion blue.
♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Make sure to clean up before the owner finds out. • If you’re washing your clothes just put them outside and let the rain do all the work. • Buy a cat and name it Claude. • Your lucky colour is Voltron lion yellow.