Here are your Horoscopes for this week.
♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will become best friends with Claude • You will get a phone call that will change your life as it relates to the tax office • Quit whining about going back to work after a 4 day weekend, it only makes it worse for everyone else • Your lucky colour is poo brown.
♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will become best friends with Claude • Today is the last day of the rest of your life • The sun is shining up your ass. Enjoy it • Your lucky colour is Fluoride white.
♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will become best friends with Claude • You smelt it after you dealt it • Don’t open the front door for anyone including Australia Post • Your lucky colour is toilet water blue.
♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will become best friends with Claude • You are awesome, ignore what everyone else says • You will have a chance encounter with romance today so take a bath for god’s sake • Your lucky colour is Prince purple.
♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will become best friends with Claude • You’re a water sign but you should wear floaties in the bathtub • You need a pet. Go ask someone to pet you • Your lucky colour is Jeffrey Dahmer blood red.
♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will become best friends with Claude • You’re a fish sign. You will get marriage advice from a fish this week • You will find yourself nervous and gassy this weekend • Your lucky colour is Barbie Fluro pink.
♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will become best friends with Claude • You will buy a parrot this week and teach it to swear. On Friday you will return it • Buy a box of fake eyeballs. You’ll thank us later • Your lucky colour is Elmo red.
♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will become best friends with Claude • You will be taken in by the glamour and glitz of online poker and by Friday develop carpal tunnel syndrome. • Your lucky colour is Pickle Rick green.
♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will become best friends with Claude • A large windfall is coming to you. Only it’s meteorological and not financial • Travel is in your future this week as you fall up a flight of stairs • Your lucky colour is Vegemite lid yellow.
♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will become best friends with Claude • You will buy a pet monkey this week and call it Steve • Your lucky colour is Nan’s Pav white.
♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will become best friends with Claude • Disco is in your future this week when your Grandma cuts some moves at her 70th anniversary dinner. It’s not gross, she’s a beautiful human being • You spend all your bitcoin on an alpaca • Your lucky colour is Big M Iced Coffee brown.
♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will become best friends with Claude • You find yourself weirdly attracted to one of The Golden Girls • You will discover you’re actually a superhero but without superpowers • Don’t tell anyone. Your lucky colour is Johnny Cash’s suit black.
