A fight has erupted in High Street Kangaroo Flat as smokers throw hands over butts outside the Windermere Hotel. Whilst there was a brawl, smokers were ultimately disappointed as no one could punch a dart.
In true Australian fashion, the melee ended in a ceasefire, as both parties realised that inhaling smoke through an ash-laden filter found on the street is still better than no dart at all.
As the price of smokes continues to skyrocket, the black market for secondhand butts has seen a meteoric rise. “It’s the new cryptocurrency,” said Damo from Eaglehawk, proudly holding up a jar of half-burned Marlboros. “Buttcoin. You can’t smoke Bitcoin.”
Cola from Jobs Gully weighed in on the situation between puffs. “I gotta get resourceful,” she said, gesturing to her plastic bag of well-worn cigarette filters. “Why buy a whole pack when you can Frankenstein one from what’s left on the ground?”
Meanwhile, vape shops across the region are reportedly bracing themselves for the next round of skirmishes. The new battlefield appears to be over discarded vapes, leaving the ground littered with more berry-flavoured plastic than a 12-year-old’s birthday party.
“Look,” said one stressed-out smoker, “I like big butts, and I cannot lie. You other smokers can’t deny when a half-smoked ciggie gets tossed on the ground; it’s mine now.”
