A fast-talking entrepreneur has arrived in Bendigo, promising a world-class monorail system that will finally put the city “on the map”.
Dressed in a sharp suit, self-proclaimed transport visionary Lyle Lanley captivated a packed town hall meeting last night. He offered the city a sleek, futuristic transport system that would redefine regional rail and bring in jobs. “Well, sir, there’s nothing on Earth like a genuine, bonafide, electrified, six-car monorail!” Lanley told the crowd.
“I’ve sold monorails to Ballarat, Wangaratta, and New Gisborne, and by gum I’ve put them on the map!” Lanley declared before leading the audience in an impromptu musical number that was alarmingly well-rehearsed.
Local councillors, who had initially gathered to discuss pothole maintenance and whether Bendigo needs any more service stations, were so excited that they approved preliminary funding on the spot. The monorail, which will allegedly run from the Bendigo Marketplace to a yet-to-be-constructed “Las Vegas-style” precinct in Eaglehawk, is expected to cost ratepayers an undisclosed sum—because no one thought to ask.
Despite the suspiciously swift approval, many residents remain divided over the project.
“I mean, I love a monorail, don’t get me wrong,” said local historian Jeff Trotter, nursing a pint at the Shamrock. “But I also love not being in crippling debt over a useless vanity project. But hey, maybe I’m just old-fashioned.”
Meanwhile, supporters claim the monorail will put Bendigo ahead of major cities like Geelong and Melbourne, which still struggle to make Myki work properly.
“Sure, we barely have enough passengers to justify the current buses, but imagine how much fancier it’ll be to travel in a futuristic single-track system to go two blocks!” said self-described ‘future enthusiast’ Todd Barkley.
Lanley has assured council members that the monorail will be fully operational by the end of the year—after finishing a similar project in Shepparton, where he was last seen loading a suitcase full of cash into a 1997 Toyota Camry.
The project’s official groundbreaking ceremony is scheduled for next month, pending approval from the city’s one competent accountant, who has reportedly gone missing under “mysterious” circumstances.
At press time, a ring came off a local policeman’s pudding can.
