In a landmark study conducted by Latrobe University, researchers have confirmed that the most frequently uttered phrase in Bendigo over the Easter weekend is “Where the f**k do I park?”
The study, which monitored soundwaves, dashcam footage, and the passive-aggressive sighs of local motorists, revealed that it was repeated an average of 80.7 times per person per hour in the CBD during Bendigo Easter Festival.
“We believed it would be something wholesome like ‘Wow, what a lovely day,’ or ‘Aren’t the Chinese dragons magnificent?’” said lead researcher Dr. Simone Kerbwatch. “But no. It’s just non-stop cursing and circling the same four blocks until marriages end.”
Locals and visitors alike are reportedly drawn into a psychological labyrinth of false hope, detours, and No Parking signs that appeared to multiply like rabbits around the CBD.
“I thought I saw a spot on Mundy Street,” said Bendigo dad, Kev Ryan, who has been trying to park since 8:30am Friday. “But it turned out to be taken by a small car. I haven’t cried in 15 years but I came close.”
The City of Greater Bendigo released a statement encouraging attendees to just park and walk from Marong or develop the ability to levitate,” adding that the multi-storey car park is “technically open,” though access is guarded by Elmo and a Minotaur.
More on this story as soon as we can find somewhere to park.
