As temperatures in Bendigo soar to “Are You Kidding Me” degrees, residents are once again finding themselves locked in battle with one of summer’s most relentless foes—Swamp Ass.
Once thought to be a mild inconvenience suffered mostly by tradies and festival-goers, Swamp Ass has now reached epidemic levels, with local hospitals seeing a record number of cases involving excessive dampness, chafing, and the dreaded Advanced Swamp Syndrome (ASS).
Local meteorologists have confirmed that the oppressive heat, combined with Bendigo’s signature lack of coastal breeze and an unholy amount of asphalt, has created the perfect conditions for what experts call “Stage 5 Crack Humidity.”
“It’s bad,” said Dr Colin Matthews, a climate researcher specialising in extreme heat conditions. “We’ve seen reports of inner-thigh stickage, fabric-to-skin fusion, and even full-blown chair suction incidents at local cafes. This is a crisis.”
“We had to remove the vinyl chairs,” said one café owner. “It was getting too dangerous. One bloke stood up, and the chair came with him.”
Meanwhile, City Of Greater Bendigo has proposed a ‘Crack Cooling Station’ at Hargreaves Mall, where affected individuals can line up to have a soothing mist of eucalyptus-infused water sprayed directly at their lower regions. Council officials are also considering a temporary legal exemption allowing the public to wear “dacks half-down” in public without fear of judgment or social repercussions.
Perhaps the biggest casualty of the heatwave has been taints, which experts say are now “the most humid places in regional Victoria.”
“I stepped outside for five minutes, and my undies fused to my body like they were part of me,” said local tradie Jim McAllister, who was spotted in the Mitre 10 garden section, frantically fanning his groin with a Bunnings catalogue. “It’s not just a little sweat anymore; it’s a full-blown ecosystem. I think something’s growing down there.”
Meanwhile, Lake Weeroona has become an unofficial relief centre. Dozens of locals are wading knee-deep into the water, ignoring health warnings.
“I don’t care what’s in here,” said Golden Square’s Darren Mitchell, lowering himself into the murky shallows. “I’d rather risk an infection.”
As Swamp Ass continues its relentless grip on the city, locals are urged to stay strong, stay dry, and never, under any circumstances not to google it.
