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Whole Town Heads to Australian Open, Leaves One Guy Behind To ‘Hold The Fort’

In an unprecedented display of civic trust and group enthusiasm, the entire population of Bendigo has collectively decided to attend the Australian Open, leaving behind just one man, Gary McGrath, 54, to “keep an eye on things.”

Locals packed their homes, locked their doors, and hit the Calder Highway en masse this morning, excited to bask in Melbourne’s scorching January heat and watch pro tennis players grunt their way through five-hour matches.

Armed with a meat pie, a thermos of instant coffee, and a vague sense of civic duty, Gary has been spotted doing laps of Pall Mall in his beat-up Holden Commodore and instructions to “call if anything seems off.”

“I drew the short straw,” Gary admitted, his tone suggesting it wasn’t the first time he’d been volunteered for a job. “I wanted to see Djokovic play, but someone had to stick around in case the bins needed putting out or something.”

The Bendigo Tennis Enthusiasts Association coordinated the logistical feat of moving an entire town’s population. They ensured every citizen had transport, snacks, and, most importantly, a reliable playlist of bogan rock.

Reports indicate the town’s dogs were temporarily housed in kennels, and the Central Deborah Gold Mine was placed on “do not touch” mode until everyone returns next week.

Bendigo Mayor Cr Andrea Metcalf is currently en route to Melbourne in a convoy of SUVs, and she said she wasn’t worried about leaving Gary in charge.

“He’s a solid bloke. He once singlehandedly chased a bin chicken out of the mall. If he can handle that, he can handle Bendigo.”

Back in town, Gary says he’s already enjoying the quiet.

“Not much to report so far,” he said as he lounged in a deck chair outside the Bendigo Art Gallery. “The postie didn’t even bother coming around today. Might even start a new hobby, like whittling or yelling at the Rosalind Park bats.”

Meanwhile, Melbourne police have been placed on high alert. The influx of Bendigonians—identifiable by their bowl mullets and inability to ‘tap on’ on public transport—has caused minor chaos at Southern Cross Station.

Gary remains hopeful the town won’t encounter any issues in his absence. “Unless a kangaroo decides to tour the Art Gallery, we’ll be alright.

Locals are expected to return by next week, assuming their utes can survive the gruelling Melbourne traffic. Until then, Gary remains the sovereign ruler of Bendigo, a position he’s already abusing by parking diagonally across two spots at the Woolies.

While the rest of the town is busy butchering tennis etiquette and paying $14 for a mid-strength beer, Gazza has already organized Bendigo’s first solo community event—a one-person trivia night at the pub, where he plans to ask himself questions he already knows the answers to.

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