Eaglehawkians are thrilled to learn that PM Scott Morrison will personally investigate the speed of Eaglehawk traffic lights.

Eaglehawk Mayor Clive Hooverdamn welcomed the news.

“Every Australian needs good access to traffic lights,” the PM said. “Leave it with me.”

The lights at the Victoria St and High St intersection service 40,000 vehicles a day. The popular intersection’s lights can take as long as 5 minutes to change causing traffic chaos.

Local man Reg Nobby-Petterson said, “I sit at the lights and eat breakfast on my way to work.”

An 89-year-old resident named Bob ‘Long-Winded’ Johnny-Johnson said “Even when there are no cars on High Street, I still have to wait at least 5 minutes to go. When I was your age there was a video shop in Eaglehawk. I had to wait at least 10 minutes to cross the road. The slow lights cost me a late fee. I tried suing Bendigo council but they said to speak with VicRoads, so I did. VicRoads then told me to speak with the council. I don’t know what the F&%#$ going on. Someone still owes me $6 plus interest.”

Earlier this year 22-year-old Shane Rangason told The Bendigo Standard he was late for his own wedding. “She’s still upset about it.”