“Since the First Fleet hadn’t even heard of evolution yet, saying Australia Day is Invasion Day is pretty harsh,” said Councillor Amy Pond. “It’s about as fair as slapping an indecent exposure summons and criminal record on a two-year-old for going nudie rudie at the beach. They frankly didn’t know it was wrong.”

Of course calls to change the date of Australia Day celebrations persist.

“Thankfully over the past two-hundred-odd years we’ve followed the advice of Socrates and every three-year-old child, and kept asking ‘why?’. Thus, we now know January 26 for a knees-up is a date that doesn’t suit all Australians.”

“It’s a bit like changing your Christmas Day celebration to another day because a few rellies can’t make the date. Really, it’s no big issue as long as we’re all together.”

The only issue is which date to have.

“We thought about Eddie Mabo’s birthday, just because of the vibe, but decided some people would get shirty. We looked at combining it with the Queen’s Birthday holiday to get an extra-long weekend, but felt that was too Imperial.”

So after hours of negotiations an alternative solution was reached.

“Davo just got the freaking dartboard out, slapped a yearly planner over it, and chucked a tiny arrow at it with his eyes closed,” reported the Councillor. “It didn’t seem to matter which day he hit, it all seemed good.”

Yet there were exceptions.

“Of course, we don’t want to put up the bunting and pull out the BBQ during Winter,” said Councillor Pond.


“Well, if you want to celebrate living in a cold, wet and miserable country you can move to England. Frankly, bollocks to that. Let’s enjoy a sunny day, and have a day-off work to celebrate even just that fact.”

Seems good.