“Sure it works for back pain,” said Dr Julius M. Hibbert of a Kangaroo Flat medical practice. “It’s oxycodone. It’ll work on migraines, gun shots, and decapitation.”

This wonder drug was identified when Doug Attick, not his real name, was seen shouting abuse and kicking car doors outside Bendigo Base hospital.

“It’s one hell of a pain reliever, and we don’t want anyone using it,” said Dr Hibbert.

Dr Hibbert’s Kangaroo Flat medical practice is one of many that are fully aware of the benefits oxycodone offers those suffering back pain.

“It’s so effective, that if we injected you with hundreds of tiny mites, then pumped you full of codine, you could legitimately point at bugs crawling under your skin while not having a care in the world.”

This cure all to pain could be as simple as taking one little pill, or perhaps snorting it in powder form, yet the heavy handed medical practitioners of Bendigo are refusing to help.

“We don’t prescribe drugs of dependence,” defended Dr Hibbert.

This is cold comfort to the likes of Doug Attick, who regularly grind their teeth, pace, and throw random objects at tree truck as they suffer withdrawal symptoms.

“I suppose one could stay permanently on the drug via some drip. Of course their liver will shut down and the body would eventually reject all need for life,” said Dr Hibbert

That might sound perfect for the many Bendigo folk who can’t sit comfortably for more than five minutes, even finding a comfy cushion little relief, as they lay on the floor while waiting for a heat pack to warm in a microwave.

“Exercise, weight loss, and correct posture cure most back pain,” offers Dr Hibbert. “Anything else would be just a placebo.”

Where do we get these placebos?

“Probably from a guy wearing wrap around sunnies and a bum bag,” suggests Dr Hibbert.