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The Bendigo Cup Form Guide

By Luke Morris

It’s the race that stops a regional Victorian municipality, as Bendigo people, desperate for some excuse to get into their finest garments and piss-on like Uni students, watch horses be whipped and forced to run around an oval as entertainment.

To help your day, here’s the Bendigo Standard’s view on the nags:

  1. Patrick Erin (NZ) (13) – Performance art gone too far as Patrick and Erin are two people inside a horse suit.

  2. Dal Harraild (GB) (10) – Performance art gone one step further, as Dal is one geezer inside a horse suit holding stilts.

  3. Lord Fandango (GER) (11) – Doing it for a dare, and probably drunk on scotch, Lord Fandango is going to dance the full course inside a horse suit.

  4. Sir Charles Road (4) – Sir Charles is with Lord Fandango for emotional support. (Not wearing a horse suit.)

  5. Sir Isaac Newton (GB) (2) – Been dead for several years. Amazing effort to get this far.

  6. Furrion (GB) (9) – A type of trough the NBN is drilling to put cables in.

  7. Master of Arts (NZ) (3) – Sounds better than a degree but still worthless.

  8. Happy Moment (JPN) (6) – Oh yes. Remember when you were six and you blew out your birthday candles for the first-time without help? This is an incarnation of that memory, vaporizer and shoved inside a horse suit.

  9. Berisha (15) – Still a fan favourite but past his prime. Pulling good money in the J-League.

  10. Ormito (GER) (5) – The Japanese art of forgetting crucial details during a testimony.

  11. Red Alto (12) – An octave above the blue alto saxophone. Used for when you want to get sexy.

  12. Rezealient (7) – American spelling of resilient.

  13. Dandy Gent (14) – Performance art gone bad as Dandy has been stitched inside a horse suit and the male horses (aka colts) have found the one opening.

  14. Barry the Baptist (1)  – Not as famous as John, Paul, George or Ringo.

  15. Sasko (8) – A giant, hairy, up-right, walking, ape-like creature that plays cricket for Bendigo East. Handy left-arm pace. Not likely to trouble the scorers with the bat.

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