“The Olympic’s are right around the corner and it’s time to take things seriously,” said Errol Flynn, Bendigo Orienteering Society team captain.
“None of this jogging into the bush, looking for a flag on a tree, and jogging back.
“It’s time for the next level.”
Mr Flynn is convinced that with heavy training a gold medal is within the team’s grasp.
“We’ve got a good young squad and it’s time for them to really be put to the test.”
The plans are simple.
“The first step is to put a bag over their head and beat them with a stick.
“Then I’ll drive them eight hours out of town, kick them in the gut a few times, push them into a ditch and tell them to find their own way home.”
It is tough love from the orienteering devotee, but it’s not as harsh as it sounds.
“In keeping with orienteering rules I’ll give them a map, which in this case will be buried under bracken within a square kilometre and missing a few topographical indicators, and for a compass I’ll remind them how to make one using a still pool of water, ionised rock and a twig.”
Aside from Olympic selection there will be an extra incentive.
“After a four minute acclimatisation period I’ll release a pack of attack dogs and a cyborg.”
Mr Flynn thinks this should pose no great difficulty for Bendigo’s team.
“Since most of the squad are under 15 they should be fit enough to evade decapitation and mauling.”
With standards high there’ll still be one final hurdle for seats on the plane to Rio.
“First arrivals will then fight to the death using desk lamps,” said Mr Flynn.
Since orienteering is not an Olympic sport Errol Flynn’s preparations appear a little extreme.
“Hmm,” he says once informed. “Well, to avoid spoilers I already kidnapped the kids and ditched them eight days ago.
“Hmm,” he says in consideration. “I better call my wife.”