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    No Food. Bendigo Cinemas Install Body Scanners

    What Hills? White Hills renamed ‘Flat White’

    Man Wonders If It’s Dad Shorts Weather Yet

    A New Era! The Standy To Be Distributed In Paper Form

    Teen Receives Glass Pipes from Wish.com. Parents Furious

    Couple Named Jett and Bec Reckons They Could Do Home Reno’s After Watching The Block

    Outrage As 80c Garlic Charged Twice

    Victorian Schools To Trial Zombie Apocalypse Survival Drill

    City Of Greater Bendigo Hires Kenny To Clean Public Toilets

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    Your Horoscope – Week Of October 21, 2019

    Man Wonders If It’s Dad Shorts Weather Yet

    Couple Named Jett and Bec Reckons They Could Do Home Reno’s After Watching The Block

    Outrage As 80c Garlic Charged Twice

    Kennington Reservoir Parkrunner Names Newborn ‘Kenny Res’

    Dr Google Joins Bendigo Health

    5 Places In Bendigo To Fart Without People Knowing It Was You

    Active Living Census Makes Everyone Feel Fat

    10 Bendigo Public Toilets Reviewed. Number 2 Will Surprise You

  • Entertainment
    • All
    • Movies
    • Music
    • TV

    Bendi-Con Cosplayer Dressed As Dr Manhattan Arrested By Police, Told To Put Pants On

    Channel 10 Begins Filming I’m From Bong Gully… Get Me Out Of Here ya ****!

    Tramspotting Screening at the Star Cinema

    Great Scott! Rod Fyffe Cast As Doc Brown In Upcoming Back To The Future Remake

    Napier St Upgrade Documentary “What The F**k Is Taking So Long?” Coming To Netflix

    Unvaccinated Banned From Groovin The Moo

    Local Who Couldn’t Get Tickets To Groovin The Moo Not Impressed With Line Up

    20 Things To Do After Groovin The Moo

    ‘Long live the King’. Local woman can’t wait to see Mufasa die in live Lion King remake

  • Food + Drink

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    Josh Schmobs' freezer drawer is full of Aldi's sausage rolls. He has no shame.

    Bendigo To Host Australia’s First Frozen Meal Expo

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Bendigo Orienteering Squad Aiming for Gold

Luke Morris by Luke Morris
July 23, 2016
in Sport

“The Olympic’s are right around the corner and it’s time to take things seriously,” said Errol Flynn, Bendigo Orienteering Society team captain.
“None of this jogging into the bush, looking for a flag on a tree, and jogging back.
“It’s time for the next level.”
Mr Flynn is convinced that with heavy training a gold medal is within the team’s grasp.
“We’ve got a good young squad and it’s time for them to really be put to the test.”
The plans are simple.
“The first step is to put a bag over their head and beat them with a stick.
“Then I’ll drive them eight hours out of town, kick them in the gut a few times, push them into a ditch and tell them to find their own way home.”
It is tough love from the orienteering devotee, but it’s not as harsh as it sounds.
“In keeping with orienteering rules I’ll give them a map, which in this case will be buried under bracken within a square kilometre and missing a few topographical indicators, and for a compass I’ll remind them how to make one using a still pool of water, ionised rock and a twig.”
Aside from Olympic selection there will be an extra incentive.
“After a four minute acclimatisation period I’ll release a pack of attack dogs and a cyborg.”
Mr Flynn thinks this should pose no great difficulty for Bendigo’s team.
“Since most of the squad are under 15 they should be fit enough to evade decapitation and mauling.”
With standards high there’ll still be one final hurdle for seats on the plane to Rio.
“First arrivals will then fight to the death using desk lamps,” said Mr Flynn.
Since orienteering is not an Olympic sport Errol Flynn’s preparations appear a little extreme.
“Hmm,” he says once informed. “Well, to avoid spoilers I already kidnapped the kids and ditched them eight days ago.
“Hmm,” he says in consideration. “I better call my wife.”

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This Just In

  • No Food. Bendigo Cinemas Install Body Scanners
  • Your Horoscope – Week Of October 21, 2019
  • What Hills? White Hills renamed ‘Flat White’
  • Man Wonders If It’s Dad Shorts Weather Yet
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