‘We’re very happy thank you,’ says Norman Bates, 36, of the relationship he has found.
‘It was easy to start. All I had to do was create a character, and most of that came from Facebook.’
At first mobile phones were used for Angry Birds, sexting, and sending an emoji of a piece of poo.
Now they foster romance.
‘Before this I was sad and lonely,’ says Mr Bates, who has early onset arthritis in his fingers, a wafting scent of paint and a wet patch of black over a monk-like bald patch on his head.
‘But I kept on hearing about this dating app and so I went to Cash Converters, bought a picture phone, nudged my knuckles over the screens, and downloaded the latest program.’
It is a craze that has swept the world, with people spending hours swiping and flicking and ignoring messages on their screens in the hunt for someone to play with.
‘Pretty quickly I saw a rustling bush, and I knew to look out for that, so I got going,’ said Mr Bates.
True love is not straightforward though.
‘Nothing was there when I arrived,’ said Mr Bates. ‘So close, I thought, but as always I was too late.’
Soon another bush was on the screen.
‘I lumbered to the right as best as the gout in my foot would allow, and discovered the movement came from over the fence of the Mitchell St. Cat Lady.’
The Mitchell St. Cat Lady, known best for shouting ‘Me fucking cats, aw, fuck, me fucking cats,’ at all hours of the night, was luckily not home.
Using a fence paling to create a mini ramp, and breaking three tree branches and crushing a kitten on decent, Mr Bates managed to hurdle the wall to be confronted with the next obstacle on the path to l’amour.
‘Since I had augmented reality turned on I got confused with, well, I kept reaching out my hand to snatch her in the bush, but then I realised I had to wait for the ring to tighten before flicking my pokeball at her mouth.’
Hmm… really? Is that how it works? I’ve only read this stuff online to research the article but, hmm… maybe it’s me but it reads like smut doesn’t it?
‘Now Growlithe and I are together,’ says Mr Bates. ‘I keep her in my pokedex. We’ve got eggs too. One day we hope they hatch and study bioengineering.’