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The Bendigo Standard
Friday, February 22, 2019
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    City Council Admits “Someone” Involved In Cyber Hack

    Kid Declares There’s Nothing To Eat While Staring Into The Abyss Of A Full Pantry

    “I’m Cool With The Napier Street Road Works” Says The Only Person In Bendigo

    Local Man Completes Perfect Commute To Work

    Record January Temperatures Cause Sharp Spike in Bad Valentines Cards

    Lamington Drive To Fund The Completion Of The Murphy Street Roundabout

    Chinese Dragons To Be Sewn Together Into A ‘Dragon Centipede’ For Easter Festival

    82-Year-Old Lost On School Excursion Emerges From Mine After 67 Years

    Parking Not Fine. Mayor Receives Ticket Outside Council Office

  • Life + Style
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    • What's On

    Kid Declares There’s Nothing To Eat While Staring Into The Abyss Of A Full Pantry

    Your Horoscope – Week Of February 18, 2019

    Your Horoscope – Week Of February 11, 2019

    Studies Show First-Born’s Are Better Drivers Than Their Younger Siblings

    Overly Excited Local Man Won’t Shut Up About His Weber

    Naked Dancers Sighted In Strathfieldsaye With Promise Of Rain

    Year 12 Student With No Job Looking Forward To Taking A Gap Year

    Local Man Complains About Partner Sleeping Under The Blankets With The Air On

    Your Horoscope – Week Of February 4, 2019

  • Entertainment
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    • Movies
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    Australia Has Decided! Fat Cat And Patsy Biscoe To Represent Australia In Eurovision

    Eaglehawk Theatre Company to Present: Twelfth Night on the Piss

    L Plater Drives Car Into Lake Weeroona Doing Bird Box Challenge

    Expecto Patronum! Sacred Heart Cathedral To Be Transformed Into Hogwarts

    Bendigo Have Your Say’s Anthony Butler To Star On I’m A Celebrity…

    Eaglehawk Theatre Company Presents ‘Carrie’

    Karl Stefanovic Announced As The New Host Of ‘Good Morning Bendigo’

    Local Comedian Finds “Women Can Be Hobos Too” Difficult To Make Into A Joke

    Bendigo Base Bridge Looks Heaps Like The Batman Dark Knight Ka-Boom Hospital Bridge

  • Food + Drink

    Roast Chicken Too Big To Fit In Organics Bin

    Kid Declares There’s Nothing To Eat While Staring Into The Abyss Of A Full Pantry

    Local Man Gets Life Advice From A Maccas French Fry Giving A Thumbs Up

    Lamington Drive To Fund The Completion Of The Murphy Street Roundabout

    Overly Excited Local Man Won’t Shut Up About His Weber

    Chicken Salt Dealers Arrested in Strathdale

    Local Loses 85 kgs On A Bendigo Original Pie Shop Diet

    Woman Rushed To Emergency After Getting Cheezels Stuck On Fingers

    Local Family Outraged After Discovering Only Yellow Zooper Doopers Are Left

  • Technology

    Bendigo Health Takes Part In The 10-Year Challenge

    Pizza ATM Opens At Latrobe Uni

    Local Boy Kidsplains To Dad How To Play Fortnite

    Not Lauren Gratis

    VCE Dux Blows Off Law Degree To Become A Full Time YouTuber

    BREAKING: Inventor of Emoticons Dies :(

    City Sends Well Wishes To Woman Quitting Facebook

    Local Man Donates Human Liver To Pig

    Coin-Operated Paywall Failure

    Locals Baffled By Climate Talk

  • Sport

    Kangaroo Sets Sights On Anthony Mundine After Enrolling In Boxing Class

    Bendigo Trolley Pusher Breaks World Record

    Carlton Currently Undefeated In 2019

    Man ln Intensive Care After Refusing To Stop Saying ‘Nice Garry’ At The MCG

    Bendigo Brave American Import Scores On The Court And At Star Bar

    Gareth From The Office Wins Ballon d’or

    Local Man Ditches Mates To Watch Tim Cahill’s Last Game On A Superior Screen

    Pantomime Horse Wins Bendigo Cup AND Fashions On The Field

    The Bendigo Cup Form Guide

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  • News
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    • Bendigo News
    • Law & Order
    • National News
    • Politics
    • World News

    City Council Admits “Someone” Involved In Cyber Hack

    Kid Declares There’s Nothing To Eat While Staring Into The Abyss Of A Full Pantry

    “I’m Cool With The Napier Street Road Works” Says The Only Person In Bendigo

    Local Man Completes Perfect Commute To Work

    Record January Temperatures Cause Sharp Spike in Bad Valentines Cards

    Lamington Drive To Fund The Completion Of The Murphy Street Roundabout

    Chinese Dragons To Be Sewn Together Into A ‘Dragon Centipede’ For Easter Festival

    82-Year-Old Lost On School Excursion Emerges From Mine After 67 Years

    Parking Not Fine. Mayor Receives Ticket Outside Council Office

  • Life + Style
    • All
    • Fashion
    • Health
    • Horoscopes
    • Money
    • Parenting
    • Relationships
    • Travel
    • What's On

    Kid Declares There’s Nothing To Eat While Staring Into The Abyss Of A Full Pantry

    Your Horoscope – Week Of February 18, 2019

    Your Horoscope – Week Of February 11, 2019

    Studies Show First-Born’s Are Better Drivers Than Their Younger Siblings

    Overly Excited Local Man Won’t Shut Up About His Weber

    Naked Dancers Sighted In Strathfieldsaye With Promise Of Rain

    Year 12 Student With No Job Looking Forward To Taking A Gap Year

    Local Man Complains About Partner Sleeping Under The Blankets With The Air On

    Your Horoscope – Week Of February 4, 2019

  • Entertainment
    • All
    • Movies
    • Music
    • TV

    Australia Has Decided! Fat Cat And Patsy Biscoe To Represent Australia In Eurovision

    Eaglehawk Theatre Company to Present: Twelfth Night on the Piss

    L Plater Drives Car Into Lake Weeroona Doing Bird Box Challenge

    Expecto Patronum! Sacred Heart Cathedral To Be Transformed Into Hogwarts

    Bendigo Have Your Say’s Anthony Butler To Star On I’m A Celebrity…

    Eaglehawk Theatre Company Presents ‘Carrie’

    Karl Stefanovic Announced As The New Host Of ‘Good Morning Bendigo’

    Local Comedian Finds “Women Can Be Hobos Too” Difficult To Make Into A Joke

    Bendigo Base Bridge Looks Heaps Like The Batman Dark Knight Ka-Boom Hospital Bridge

  • Food + Drink

    Roast Chicken Too Big To Fit In Organics Bin

    Kid Declares There’s Nothing To Eat While Staring Into The Abyss Of A Full Pantry

    Local Man Gets Life Advice From A Maccas French Fry Giving A Thumbs Up

    Lamington Drive To Fund The Completion Of The Murphy Street Roundabout

    Overly Excited Local Man Won’t Shut Up About His Weber

    Chicken Salt Dealers Arrested in Strathdale

    Local Loses 85 kgs On A Bendigo Original Pie Shop Diet

    Woman Rushed To Emergency After Getting Cheezels Stuck On Fingers

    Local Family Outraged After Discovering Only Yellow Zooper Doopers Are Left

  • Technology

    Bendigo Health Takes Part In The 10-Year Challenge

    Pizza ATM Opens At Latrobe Uni

    Local Boy Kidsplains To Dad How To Play Fortnite

    Not Lauren Gratis

    VCE Dux Blows Off Law Degree To Become A Full Time YouTuber

    BREAKING: Inventor of Emoticons Dies :(

    City Sends Well Wishes To Woman Quitting Facebook

    Local Man Donates Human Liver To Pig

    Coin-Operated Paywall Failure

    Locals Baffled By Climate Talk

  • Sport

    Kangaroo Sets Sights On Anthony Mundine After Enrolling In Boxing Class

    Bendigo Trolley Pusher Breaks World Record

    Carlton Currently Undefeated In 2019

    Man ln Intensive Care After Refusing To Stop Saying ‘Nice Garry’ At The MCG

    Bendigo Brave American Import Scores On The Court And At Star Bar

    Gareth From The Office Wins Ballon d’or

    Local Man Ditches Mates To Watch Tim Cahill’s Last Game On A Superior Screen

    Pantomime Horse Wins Bendigo Cup AND Fashions On The Field

    The Bendigo Cup Form Guide

  • Shop
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The Bendigo Standard
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New Windows 10 Update Offers Hitman Service

by Luke Morris
December 20, 2016
in Law & Order, Technology

“Usually I say, ‘Bloody Microsoft,’ but this update could be really useful,” said Craig McLachlan, 37, Kangaroo Flat.

While most people agree that if they wanted their computer to be updated they’d just buy a new computer, the new Microsoft Windows update has a special and very appealing feature.

“It says it can ‘Add, edit or remove other people,’” explained Mr McLachlan. “At first I was like, awesome, I’m going to add that Scarlett Johansson chick. I’d like to click on her inbox. Hehehehe.”

Smut aside, Mr McLachlan’s priorities soon took a sharp turn.

“Then I though, narr, I’ve been jerked up the wall lately, I’m going to remove Gary. He’s a total dicknob.”

Yes, Gary is a dicknob, who doesn’t pay for his round at the pub and is constantly late to training, that’s despite not even having a job, what’s his excuse, where has he got to be all the time, he’s not filling out his centrelink form that’s for sure, he’s probably off somewhere selling, you know what I mean.

Then Mr McLachlan had another idea, “But I thought, Gary’s got a kid, you can’t off a guy with a kid, I mean, the mum’s no good, she’d just sell the lad for a packet of filters, what hope has the kid got with her, so I might just edit Gary from a dicknob to an alright bloke, not a champ, that would use too much data, but an alright bloke, that’ll be doable.”

Yes, the new update appears set to make the world a slightly better place.

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This Just In

  • City Council Admits “Someone” Involved In Cyber Hack
  • Roast Chicken Too Big To Fit In Organics Bin
  • Kid Declares There’s Nothing To Eat While Staring Into The Abyss Of A Full Pantry
  • “I’m Cool With The Napier Street Road Works” Says The Only Person In Bendigo
  • Local Man Completes Perfect Commute To Work
  • Your Horoscope – Week Of February 18, 2019
  • Local Man Gets Life Advice From A Maccas French Fry Giving A Thumbs Up
  • Record January Temperatures Cause Sharp Spike in Bad Valentines Cards
  • Lamington Drive To Fund The Completion Of The Murphy Street Roundabout
  • Chinese Dragons To Be Sewn Together Into A ‘Dragon Centipede’ For Easter Festival

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