In a bold new move to revitalise the city’s heart, our local council has unveiled its latest plan to invigorate Hargreaves Mall by guilt-tripping it like a disappointed parent.
The new approach involves councillors standing in the mall for up to six hours daily, hurling phrases like “You’re wasting your potential!” and “We’re not angry, just disappointed” at the mall.
“The mall’s not lazy,” she insisted. “It’s just going through a phase. It’s like when your kid wears fingerless gloves or an AC/DC T-shirt, ironically.”
But not everyone is confident. Retail worker Harry Kent told The Bendigo Standard, “Mate, you could put a Kmart, an aquarium or a giant statue of Margot Robbie down there, and people would still go to the Marketplace.”
“People just want somewhere to sit that isn’t a bench designed by Satan,” said Irma Gard from White Hills.
Traders, undeterred, are already planning a winter event involving food trucks, glowsticks, and a Youth Pastor with an acoustic guitar. One organiser grinned when asked if they had permits: “We have something better — community support and zero patience for red tape.”
