In a move that has shocked no one, the US President has declared his intention to take over The Capital Theatre in Bendigo.
“I love The Capital. It’s tremendous. Some say it’s the best capital in the world—even better than Canberra. Many people say that,” Trump announced to a crowd of three.
The former reality TV star reportedly believes the grand historic venue is “full of weak leadership” and “needs a strong businessman who knows a thing or two about entertainment—like me, who was in Home Alone 2 for a full six seconds.”
Local officials have assured the public that Trump has no legal claim over the theatre. Still, he has already begun constructing a gift shop in the foyer, selling gold-plated popcorn buckets and $200 schooners.
Trump also announced plans to seize control of Neangar Park Golf Club, where membership will be limited to “only the best people, very exclusive, probably just me.”
