In a groundbreaking move to revolutionise the retail industry, Coles in Bendigo announced that it will replace all grocery items with 5000 new self-serve checkouts to “liberate” shoppers from the mundane task of buying food.
Dubbed the “No-Human-Contact Initiative,” Coles aims to liberate customers from the burdensome task of interacting with annoying grocery items. Shoppers can now enjoy the thrill of scanning their non-existent products and bagging invisible groceries without the hassle of pesky human involvement.
Store manager Brenda Boyd told The Bendigo Standard, “We believe in progress, and progress means getting rid of anything that remotely resembles a personal touch. Who needs those troublesome fruits and vegetables when you can effortlessly beep your way through a transaction with a soulless machine?”
While some customers expressed mild confusion about the lack of actual groceries, Coles assures them that the future is bright, with an endless array of imaginary products waiting to be virtually scanned. As the city collectively wonders if this is progress, Coles stands firm, beeping its way into the future, one imaginary transaction at a time.
