A local IT firm has launched an all-out investigation to track down the twisted individual who dared to leave a jar empty in the break room sans Arnott’s Assorted Creams.
“We’re dealing with an unprecedented breach of trust,” said Lou McPherson, Senior Vice President of HR, as she sipped her now regrettably biscuit-less coffee. “This is the kind of behaviour that undermines the very foundation of our corporate culture. Who does this? And, more importantly, what kind of monster are we dealing with?”
The incident occurred between 10:45 AM and 11:15 AM, during which time security footage revealed several potential suspects, all of whom were seen in the vicinity of the break room. Among the top suspects is Carl from Accounting, who was caught on camera making a suspiciously hasty exit, crumbs suspiciously clinging to his shirt.
“I mean, it could’ve been anyone,” Carl stammered, visibly sweating during his fourth interrogation. “But I didn’t even know they were out! I swear! I’m more of an Oreo guy. I request to speak with a lawyer.”
HR’s investigative team has expanded their search, deploying advanced forensics to analyze crumb samples found at the scene and conducting polygraph tests on every employee who glanced at the Biscuit that day. ASIO has reportedly been consulted, though they declined to comment.
Since the investigation began, employees have been on edge, with rumours circulating about a possible crackdown on all break room activities. Some have even started bringing in their own snacks, fearful that the company will resort to harsher measures such as installing biometric biscuit dispensers.
“I’m just saying, if it were an executive, they’d have filled it with something fancier, like those European cookies with the chocolate on the bottom,” mused Janet from Marketing, refilling her coffee with a distant, worried look. “This feels like a classic case of mid-level management stress eating. I bet they just snapped.”
As the hunt continues, McPherson has warned all employees: “If you think you can just take the last Monte Carlo without replacing it, think again. We’re watching. Always.”
In a final desperate move, HR has considered offering a full amnesty to the perpetrator if they come forward voluntarily—no questions asked. However, given the overwhelming shame and dishonour associated with such an act, it’s unclear whether the biscuit bandit will ever be brought to justice.
In the meantime, the company has taken drastic measures to prevent future tragedies, including appointing a Chief Biscuit Officer (CBO) and instituting mandatory cookie jar training sessions for all employees.
“We will not rest,” vowed McPherson, “until every last crumb of justice has been served.”
