High Street Massage Parlours Definitely Not Suspicious At All

Amid swirling rumours and raised eyebrows, Golden Square residents have declared that there is absolutely nothing untoward happening at the numerous massage parlours lining High Street.

“I go there all the time, and let me tell you, it’s just massages,” affirmed local retiree Doris McAllister, shaking her head at the absurdity of any other insinuation. “I mean, sure, they’re lit up like Vegas and have blacked-out windows, but it’s all above board. Just relaxing massages.”

Councillor Reginald Higginbottom said, “We’ve conducted thorough inspections, and everything checks out perfectly. People must stop jumping to conclusions about soft music, dim lighting, and the constant flow of unmarked vans.”

Despite the reassurances, some residents speculate about the parlours’ diverse clientele and peculiar operating hours, prompting ongoing community debates about the benefits of deep tissue versus Swedish massage techniques.

At press time, the council was considering renaming High Street to “Happy Ending Avenue”.

The Bendigo Standard
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