The City of Greater Bendigo has announced a groundbreaking plan to make the notorious Howard Street intersection “slightly less inconvenient” by 2030.
City officials dubbed the project “Operation Lower Your Expectations”. They said the revamped intersection would feature state-of-the-art inconveniences like new potholes, green traffic lights for 2 seconds, and no pedestrian crossing.
“We’re excited to bring the Howard Street intersection into the 21st century,” said a council spokesperson, who delivered the announcement behind a protective barrier of orange traffic cones. “This project will redefine what it means to be stuck in traffic in Epsom. By 2030, we expect drivers to experience at least 10% fewer headaches and 5% fewer spontaneous outbursts of profanity. Progress is our middle name!”
City planners assure residents that the intersection’s “historical character” will remain intact.
When asked about the timeline, Deputy Traffic Manager Alan McCarthy, who has reportedly been working on the plans since the early 90s, seemed cautiously optimistic. “If everything goes according to our incredibly vague plan, the new and improved intersection should be up and running just in time for the grand opening of another KFC to replace the Carl’s Jr.”
Residents have expressed mixed feelings about the announcement. “I’m just relieved they’re finally doing something, even if it’s just rearranging the chaos of the morning commute,” said longtime Epsom resident Cheryl Mutton. “But I must admit, I’ll miss the thrill of taking 30 mins to reach the fountain.”
Local conspiracy theorist and self-proclaimed “Traffic Truth Seeker” Barry Jenkins has already started a petition to halt the project, claiming that the intersection’s current state is a crucial element of the town’s unique identity. “You can’t just take away the one thing that makes Epsom special,” Jenkins argued. “What next? Fixing potholes? Mark my words; this is the beginning of the end.”
In the meantime, Epsom and Huntly residents are advised to continue taking the long way around to work until further notice.
