In a stunning revelation, resident Barry Mumbleton is convinced that the Australian Security Intelligence Organisation (ASIO) is listening to his birthday wishes.
Mumbleton, known for his conspiracy theories about government surveillance, claims that every time he utters “Happy Birthday,” ASIO agents write down his profound insights.
“I’ve seen the patterns,” Mumbleton says, adjusting his tinfoil hat. “They’re onto me, especially when I sing Happy Birthday. It’s like a code for them.”
Barry recently upgraded his aluminium foil hat to include a matching party cone and claims that ASIO agents have nothing better to do than sift through his heartfelt wishes. “I know they’re listening. Every time I make a wish, I can practically hear them whispering, ‘Happy birthday, Barry,'” he muttered, adjusting his tinfoil bowtie.
When asked why ASIO would be interested in his wishes, Barry replied, “Well, obviously, I’m onto something big. They must be after the secret to eternal happiness, or maybe they want Aunt Mildred’s famous pav recipe. Who knows?”
While ASIO declined to comment, insiders suggest they’re too busy tackling real threats to worry about Barry’s dreams of a lifetime of Tim Tams.
Barry plans to blow out his candles in secrecy next year, just in case ASIO runs out of their birthday wishes.