The Bendigo Standard reports that thousands of devout partygoers attended the inaugural Groovin the Pew festival this past weekend, a Christian alternative of the Groovin the Moo music festival. The event offered a holy choice for those who prefer their entertainment free of sin and full of scripture.
Groovin the Pew featured a lineup of the hottest acts in Christian rock, gospel, and praise music, with names like Casting Crowns, Holy Moshpit, and the ever-ascending chart-toppers, Chorus of Angels. The festival grounds were buzzing with excitement as attendees traded in their flower crowns for halos and beer for holy water.
Patrons were greeted by a sea of denim skirts and khaki shorts, with the occasional ironic Christian t-shirt. But don’t let the conservative attire fool you; these worshippers know how to get down with their imperfect selves. They may not be twerking, but they’re praising the Lord with a bit of extra hip swaying.
“We’re just here to praise the Lord and catch some sick beats,” said Sarah Richards, a festival-goer who replaced her usual skimpy festival attire with a modest full-length dress adorned with crosses. “It’s so nice to be able to let loose without worrying about any debauchery.”
In addition to great heavenly music, festival attendees enjoyed wholesome activities such as Bible trivia contests, prayers for the sick, and workshops on responsible chastity belt usage. The most popular attraction, however, was the confessional booth, where ravers could seek forgiveness for their sins – including those they may have committed at previous, less pious festivals.
Alcohol and drugs were strictly forbidden at Groovin the Pew. Instead, festival-goers were encouraged to get high on the Holy Spirit.
“People can say what they want,” he said. “But at the end of the day, we’re just here to rock out with our flock out.”
In an exclusive interview with The Bendigo Standard, Jesus Christ himself gave the festival his divine stamp of approval: “I always knew I had a rockin’ fan base, but Groovin the Pew really takes things to a whole new level of righteous revelry.”