In a revelation that’s sure to make history books slightly more uncomfortable to read, a local historian has revealed that miners hid their finds in their buttocks during the Gold Rush—proving they were both rich and ass-ured.
Dr. Barry “Goldfinger” Jenkins, a self-proclaimed expert in obscure Victorian history, announced his findings at a recent meeting of the Bendigo Historical Society. According to Jenkins, miners, desperate to protect their precious finds from thieving eyes and opportunistic bushrangers, developed what can only be described as the “subterranean banking” method of gold storage.
“These miners were willing to go to extraordinary lengths to protect their precious finds. What better safe than the one you carry everywhere, right?”
The audience, which included a mix of history buffs, local retirees, and one guy who just wandered in looking for the pub, was left in stunned silence. “I always knew the gold rush was a tough time, but I never imagined it was that tough,” said one attendee, clutching his program and visibly wincing.
Dr Jenkins claims many miners believed it was the safest way to ensure their gold remained secure. “You have to understand; this was a time before banks.”
The Bendigo Historical Society has already announced plans to open a new exhibit at the library. Visitors will have the chance to experience a “gold rush reenactment” that promises to be “as immersive as it is intimate.”
When asked if he had any personal experience with subterranean banking, Dr Jenkins quickly changed the subject. “Now, excuse me, I have an important meeting with the Bendigo Proctologists Association. It seems I’ve sparked some interest in a new field of study.”
Jenkins gave readers the final word: “If you ever find a gold nugget, maybe think twice before putting it in your mouth.”
