Letters To The Editor: Bendigo Creek Stink and The Talking Tram’s Midlife Crisis

The Great Bendigo Creek Stink: A Plea for Relief and Restoration

Dear Editor of The Bendigo Standard,

I am writing to you with doubt, bewilderment, and just a pinch of amusement concerning the olfactory assault we, the citizens of Bendigo, are currently enduring. It appears that Bendigo Creek has transformed into what can only be described as a malodorous catastrophe.

I understand that creeks are not precisely known for their delightful fragrances, but the stench emanating from our beloved waterway has reached unprecedented levels. I am unsure, but I strongly suspect that even the local wildlife has begun to stage protests. Just yesterday, I observed a possum wearing a tiny gas mask and a group of ducks holding signs that read “Clean our Creek” and “Honk if you can’t breathe!”

As I stroll along the creek’s banks, I cannot help but ponder the potential causes of this calamity. Has there been an invasion of flatulent fish? Is a gang of skunks holding clandestine meetings in the area? Or perhaps, and this is my favourite theory, a rogue cheese factory is operating underground, producing copious amounts of the world’s stinkiest blue cheese.

Regardless of the cause, it is clear that something must be done to address Bendigo Creek’s descent into the ranks of the world’s smelliest bodies of water. I implore the authorities to investigate this aromatic apocalypse and restore the creek to its former, only mildly offensive state.

Until then, I shall carry on, armed with clothespins and air fresheners, trying to find humour in this dire situation. After all, they say laughter is the best medicine – and it might just be the only thing that saves us from the Great Bendigo Creek Stink of 2023.

Yours pungently,

Ham Solo.

Trammy McTramface’s Midlife Crisis: An Urgent Plea for Community Support

Dear Editor of The Bendigo Standard,

I write to you today with a peculiar yet urgent matter that I believe our beloved city of Bendigo must address. It has come to my attention that our esteemed talking tram, Trammy McTramface, is experiencing a midlife crisis of epic proportions.

Now, I understand that the concept of a talking tram having a midlife crisis might sound outlandish, but bear with me. Recently, Trammy has been acting rather strangely. Instead of the usual historical facts and trivia about our beautiful city, Trammy had taken to regaling passengers with tales of its younger days when it was just a little cable car zipping through the streets of Melbourne. It’s as if Trammy longs for the “good old days.”

Furthermore, I have noticed that Trammy now occasionally plays loud rock music from the 80s while zooming around its usual route. Passengers have reported hearing the tram murmuring about getting a tattoo, and there have even been sightings of Trammy browsing the aisles of a local motorcycle shop.

As a concerned citizen and tram enthusiast, I must ask: How can we help Trammy navigate this midlife crisis? Perhaps we can organise a support group for other talking trams experiencing similar life transitions. Or maybe we can arrange for a tram therapist to help Trammy rediscover its purpose as a vital piece of Bendigo’s history and culture.

Whatever the solution, we must act quickly, lest our special talking tram makes an impulsive decision—like trading its wheels for a pair of rollerblades or running off to join a tram circus. Let us unite as a community to support our dear Trammy McTramface in this trying time.

Yours sincerely,

Jean Claude Tim-Tam.

A Concerned Tram Enthusiast and Bendigo Citizen.

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