Breaking News: Water Discovered to Be the Leading Cause of Drowning

The scientific community announced today that water, the wet and notoriously aquatic substance, is the leading cause of drowning.

The discovery has shocked the scientific community, which had previously believed that people were spontaneously combusting underwater.

“We were baffled by this discovery,” said Dr Moist, a renowned hydrologist. “It seems that whenever people come into contact with water, the risk of drowning increases exponentially.”

The news has sent shockwaves through the moist towelette community, leaving them questioning their life choices and fish reevaluating their career paths.

In response to the findings, pool noodle enthusiasts are convinced that these buoyant foam supports and giant oversized inflatable hotdogs will protect them in swimming pools.

According to QAnon, the so-called “water drowning” narrative is nothing more than a cover-up. They argue that lizard people are using mind control technology to make unsuspecting victims believe they are drowning. QAnon followers have taken to online forums, presenting complex diagrams and obscure references in an attempt to justify their claims.

As for the rest of us, it’s probably best to rely on actual scientific research and common sense when it comes to understanding water and its dangers. Stay rational, folks!

The Bendigo Standard
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