In a groundbreaking move to tackle hospital wait times, Bendigo Health has launched its revolutionary DIY Surgery Kits. These kits allow patients to take medical matters into their own hands.
“Why wait six months for a procedure you can do yourself this weekend?” said Dr Sharon Nibble, Chief of Surgery, demonstrating a kit during a press conference. “Our kits are designed with the layperson in mind, complete with easy-to-follow diagrams and a YouTube tutorial playlist. Now, anyone can perform a routine appendectomy or even a triple heart bypass from the comfort of their own home.”
“We see this as a win-win,” Dr Nibble told The Bendigo Standard. “Patients get immediate care, and we cut down on lengthy waiting lists. Plus, think of the bonding experience—families can now perform surgery on each other during dinner!”
Local reactions have been mixed. “I think it’s brilliant,” said Jan Fullerton, who plans to remove his tonsils next Saturday. “I’ve watched enough Grey’s Anatomy to know what I’m doing. Plus, it saves on hospital parking fees.”
Local carpenter Jake Thompson was thrilled to try his hand at a little DIY surgery. “I built my deck last summer, so how hard can it be to remove my gallbladder? Besides, I’m pretty good with a jigsaw.”
However, some medical professionals express concerns. “There’s a reason we go to medical school for years,” said Dr Emma Thompson, rolling her eyes. “But hey, if people want to try removing their appendix at home, who am I to judge?”
Early reports suggest the kits are a hit, with the first batch selling out in less than 24 hours. Bendigo Health ensures they’re working on a deluxe version, including a DIY anesthetic kit and a selfie stick for those tricky-to-reach spots.
Meanwhile, Bunnings has started stocking up on mirrors and magnifying glasses in anticipation of the DIY surgery boom. Dr Nibble stated, “It’s the Uber of healthcare—cheap, fast, and questionably effective.”
