City officials have issued a preemptive warning to residents of Bendigo as the annual Bendigo On The Hop beer festival is set to transform the town into a mecca of painfully tight denim and overly stylized headwear.
Authorities have set up an emergency “Hipster Response Unit” to deal with the influx of festival-goers, who are expected to flood the town in an unrelenting wave of form-fitting denim and excessive headwear. “It’s going to be a storm of beanies and high-waisted jeans,” said local council spokesperson Dave McArthur. “We’re talking streets filled with people who think being ‘mysterious yet approachable’ is a personality trait.”
Local businesses have been warned to prepare for an uptick in organic, gluten-free snacks and craft beer sales. At the same time, residents have been advised to barricade their homes with retro furniture and vinyl records to avoid attracting the attention of wandering hipsters.
“To make matters worse, there will be a steady stream of people discussing obscure bands”, McArthur added. “We’re advising locals to maintain a healthy distance and engage in conversation only about the weather or the footy—anything that won’t provoke an existential debate.”
For locals, it will be a long wait until the next festival season. But at least they’ll have ample time to stock up on craft beer and artisanal beard oils before the inevitable hipster onslaught returns.
