Melbournians Urged to Stay The Fork Away From Bendigo

After a handful of Covid-19 cases in Bendigo, a local organisation has urged Melbournians to stay away from Bendigo.

Anton McCrawl from the Melbourne OUT! group said “These people are coming to Bendigo shops and bringing that Melbourne virus with them. 170 years ago people came here for gold, now they’re coming here for our poo tickets. We don’t want them coming here raiding our Aldi’s and stealing our toilet paper. Stay the fork at home for fork sake.”

Sharon Grey-Horse from Jackass Flat said, “Just because you’ve ruined your own city, don’t come here and ruin ours.”

City of Greater Bendigo spoke with the team from Google today to request Bendigo’s removal from Google Maps. Councilor Frank Gibbs believes this drastic measure will prevent Melbourne shoppers from locating Bendigo on a map.

“Margaret O’Rourke is not Professor McGonagall from Harry Potter,” Mr McCrawl said. “She can’t just wave a wand and make the fake tourists go away.”

Next week, members of the Melbourne OUT! group plan to set up roadblocks on all city exits and search cars for non-Bendigo toilet paper. Drivers will be shamed and paintballed if receipts are not produced.

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