1Here are your Horoscopes for this week.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your father is not an astronaut. • It’s okay to isolate, as long as you don’t do it alone. • The planetary influences will irritate your bowels this week. • That favorite coworker of yours secretly hates you.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You can accomplish anything, as long as it’s painfully easy. • The bump on your back is actually the head of your unformed twin. • Your next Career: Foxy Boxer • It will rain tomorrow. Guaranteed.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
A fart plays a pivitol role in your relationship. • Your bank is stealing from you. • Breathe less. • Something will slip out of your hand and break your foot tomorrow.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Three words: Learn how to count. • Get Religion. Quick! • Someone who you least expect to be interested…isn’t. • An orphaned Kangaroo will begin living in your fireplace.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The person in the stall before you had untreated genital warts. Good luck! • Your organs will be harvested and marketed as souvenirs to the Xeaibobia Tribe of New Guinea. • Your next career: Sad Clown Painter. • No one makes eating noises quite like you.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
A man’s home is his castle. Don’t expect to finish paying off that Trojan horse. • Your next career: Ferret breeder
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You have the athleticism of a mollusk. • You will be mistaken for a celebrity you detest. • Your next Career: Salad Bar Security • Hold out for a better deal from your boss when he offers to fire you.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will come into a nice automobile. Make sure to clean up before the owner finds out. • Two words: Head Lice • Your next Career: Mime • Eat out more, but eat less when you’re out.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Time heals all rug burns. • Hide from those who mean to tickle you. • Your next Career: Horoscope Writer • Eat out more, but eat less when you’re out.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Face the fact, you are a hilarious drunk. • Believe everything you read. • Next Career: Satanic Guidance Counselor
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Stop stressing over your unfortunate looks. • Money isn’t everything. • You’ve always been committed to being yourself. Stop it. • Your hair is plotting against you again.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Eat more fruit. • Someone will spit in your taco. • Your next Career: Ventriloquist • That coworker you hate secretly loves you.
