Your Horoscope – Week Of April 2, 2024

Here’s our guide to what the stars have in store for YOU!


March 21 to April 19

Aries, you impulsive firecrackers, you’re like a bull in a china shop, but instead of breaking dishes, you break relationships. Can’t you take a chill pill for once? You’re like a toddler on a sugar rush, causing chaos wherever you go.


April 20 to May 20

Taurus, you stubborn bricks. You’re so set in your ways that you might as well be carved out of stone. Good luck trying to get through that thick skull of yours.


May 21 to June 20

Gemini, you two-faced chatterboxes. You talk a mile a minute, but I’ll be damned if you say anything worthwhile. It’s like listening to a broken record on fast-forward.


June 21 to July 22

Cancer, you’re like a clingy ex who won’t let go. So damn emotional, it’s like watching a soap opera on repeat. Pull yourself together.


July 23 to August 22

Oh look, it’s Mr. or Mrs. “Center of Attention.” You can’t get enough of yourself, can you? Always strutting around like you own the place, but deep down, you’re just a pussy cat craving validation from everyone around you.


August 23 to September 22

Virgo, the eternal perfectionist, you’re never satisfied with anything less than flawless. You’re like a nagging parent, nitpicking every little detail until everyone around you wants to scream. Lighten up; nobody’s perfect, not even you.


September 23 to October 22

Libra, you indecisive wafflers. You can’t make a decision to save your life, can you? It’s like watching a Kangaroo try to pick a direction at a crossroads.


October 23 to November 21

Scorpio, you vengeful scorpions, hold onto grudges tighter than a mum trying to get a token out of a trolley in Aldi. Let it go already. Nobody cares about that thing that happened in primary school.


November 22 to December 21

Sagittarius, you reckless wanderers. I was always chasing after the next shiny thing without considering the consequences.


December 22 to January 19

Capricorn, you joyless workaholics. You’re so focused on climbing the ladder of success that you forget how to have fun along the way.


January 20 to February 18

Aquarius, you detached weirdos. You’re so busy living in your own little world that you forget how to relate to actual humans.


February 19 to March 20

Pisces, you delusional dreamers. Always lost in your fantasies, you wouldn’t know reality if it smacked you in the face.

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