Here’s our guide to what the stars have in store for YOU!
♈ ARIES
March 21 to April 19
Aries, you impulsive firecrackers, you’re like a bull in a china shop, but instead of breaking dishes, you break relationships. Can’t you take a chill pill for once? You’re like a toddler on a sugar rush, causing chaos wherever you go.
♉ TAURUS
April 20 to May 20
Taurus, you stubborn bricks. You’re so set in your ways that you might as well be carved out of stone. Good luck trying to get through that thick skull of yours.
♊ GEMINI
May 21 to June 20
Gemini, you two-faced chatterboxes. You talk a mile a minute, but I’ll be damned if you say anything worthwhile. It’s like listening to a broken record on fast-forward.
♋ CANCER
June 21 to July 22
Cancer, you’re like a clingy ex who won’t let go. So damn emotional, it’s like watching a soap opera on repeat. Pull yourself together.
♌ LEO
July 23 to August 22
Oh look, it’s Mr. or Mrs. “Center of Attention.” You can’t get enough of yourself, can you? Always strutting around like you own the place, but deep down, you’re just a pussy cat craving validation from everyone around you.
♍ VIRGO
August 23 to September 22
Virgo, the eternal perfectionist, you’re never satisfied with anything less than flawless. You’re like a nagging parent, nitpicking every little detail until everyone around you wants to scream. Lighten up; nobody’s perfect, not even you.
♎ LIBRA
September 23 to October 22
Libra, you indecisive wafflers. You can’t make a decision to save your life, can you? It’s like watching a Kangaroo try to pick a direction at a crossroads.
♏ SCORPIO
October 23 to November 21
Scorpio, you vengeful scorpions, hold onto grudges tighter than a mum trying to get a token out of a trolley in Aldi. Let it go already. Nobody cares about that thing that happened in primary school.
♐ SAGITTARIUS
November 22 to December 21
Sagittarius, you reckless wanderers. I was always chasing after the next shiny thing without considering the consequences.
♑ CAPRICORN
December 22 to January 19
Capricorn, you joyless workaholics. You’re so focused on climbing the ladder of success that you forget how to have fun along the way.
♒ AQUARIUS
January 20 to February 18
Aquarius, you detached weirdos. You’re so busy living in your own little world that you forget how to relate to actual humans.
♓ PISCES
February 19 to March 20
Pisces, you delusional dreamers. Always lost in your fantasies, you wouldn’t know reality if it smacked you in the face.
