Here are your Horoscopes for this week.
♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Travel is in your future to Hawaii when someone asked you to be ‘Be pacific as possible’.
♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will unfriend your wife from Facebook after she complains about parking on Bendigo Have Your Say
♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You’ll blame the dog for farting when it’s actually the dog. No one will believe you
♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will take a crap so big your legs will hurt
♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will have a crap week. If you want to fix it then carry around some bacon. Everything is better with bacon
♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You realise you still owe $30 in late fees of Ernest Goes To Camp from 20 years ago to the local video shop that shut down 2 years ago
♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You start an allergy clinic from scratch
♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Instead of the birds and the bees tell your kids about slugs and cockroaches so they won’t have sex
♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19
You still haven’t cleared your browser history.
♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your week is ruined when you realise it’s 2017 and those born in the year 2001 can get their L’s this year
♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You call all the local radio stations and ask for the theme from Rage
♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments
