Here are your Horoscopes for this week.
♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your parents wanted a boy. • Tired of the constant accusations, you will buy a dog to take the heat for farting.
♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Against all odds, you will accomplish a basic task. • Watch more TV and pay less attention to your family
♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19
♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The receptionist is reading your mail. • Quit your job. Who needs that crap? • You find your new feelings rather confusing. Speak to the police. • Aaaaah! There’s a bug on your shoulder!
♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The body under the couch is starting to smell. • You will be asked to dance by a stranger wearing a sandwich board. • Keep your mood swings under control. • Clean the gutters, so to speak.
♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You won’t have enough to cover your tab. Wear running shoes. • You will have a chance encounter with romance today so take a bath for god’s sake.
♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Yep, it’s contagious. • It’s okay to isolate, as long as you don’t do it alone. • Your heroes are all cowards.
♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Nothing tastes as sweet as winning. Except for winning at the expense of others. Remember that. • Tomorrow brings more soup so eat out more, but eat less when you’re out.
♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your zipper is down. Really… you should check it… I’m not lying. Made you look! • No one makes eating noises quite like you.