Here are your Horoscopes for this week.
♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Romance is very definitely in the air…wait, that’s doughnuts. You will receive a phone call from yourself in the future. Stop smoking. Or start. Whichever you’re not doing. Your lucky colour: Coffee Brown
♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19
Sleep is in your future this week after you fall asleep in a meeting and snore like a leaf blower. You will discover you can accomplish anything, as long as it’s painfully easy. Your lucky colour is Gumby Green
♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your future is in your future after you spend some time thinking about your future. Your boss is plotting against you. You’ll find it in the last place you look for it. Your lucky colour is fluorescent black.
♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Eat out more, but eat less when you’re out. Learn how to drive jerk! Aaaaah! There’s a bug on your shoulder! Your lucky colour is QR code black.
♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Do something for yourself for once. Do it! What did I just say? Run! For God’s sake, RUN! Call in sick. You’ll know why. Your lucky colour is JB HI-FI Yellow.
♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
A fart will follow you into the car, ruining your date. An argument with Claude will lead to romantic entanglement. Your lucky colour is Bunnings Green.
♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Finance is in your future this week. Keep a close eye on your bank balance today, which shouldn’t be hard given that you’re nearly broke. You will receive a phone call tonight. Wait for six rings before answering. Your lucky colour is Facebook Blue.
♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
God will tell you the meaning of life but in a thick, unintelligible accent. You will find something you lost and lose it again a short time later. Your lucky colour is Freezer White.
♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Travel is in your future Your missing sock is in a parallel dimension. You will discover a rare breed of drop bear. Befriend it on Facebook. Your lucky colour is Long Gully Splash Park red.
♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Buy another cat and name it Mel. Your socks don’t match. That hot tip you got will make you look foolish. You will fart in front of a large group tomorrow. Your lucky colour is Clear.
♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your pet humps your pillow when you’re at work. Keep all the receipts, even the embarassing ones. Sell all your Dogecoin. Your lucky colour is Banana Green
♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
A kangaroo will play a pivotal role in the weekend. The hardest part is ahead. Stay home and rest. Your lucky colour is Drunk Pink.