Here are your Horoscopes for this week.
♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You are not as stupid as your friends say you are. • It’s okay to isolate, as long as you don’t do it alone. • Breathe less. • Your lucky colour is Shrek green
♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
All your furniture has moved one inch to the left. • Keep all the receipts, even the embarrassing ones. • Wash your hands more often. • • Your lucky colour is Simpsons yellow.
♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
They know about the drop bears. • A large windfall is coming to you. Only it’s meteorological and not financial. • Good things come in ones. • Your lucky colour is Clear.
♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will buy some minors some alcohol… sorry that should be miners • Today is the last day of the rest of your life. • All is not lost. But most of it is. • Your lucky colour is Newspaper White.
♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your carpet will stop matching your curtains. • It’s as bad as you think. • Something will slip out of your hand and break your foot tomorrow. • Your lucky colour is poo brown.
♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your refrigerator is filthy. • You will be mistaken for a celebrity you detest. • You will inadvertently shoplift several times this week. • Your lucky colour is iPhone black.
♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19
Spend less time worrying about appearances and more time worrying about how people see you. • Your smile scares children. • You need a pet. Go ask someone to pet you. • Your lucky colour is Hotdog red.
♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will contract an illness that’s more irritating than dangerous. • Romance is very definitely in the air…wait, that’s doughnuts. • It’s okay to isolate, as long as you don’t do it alone. • Your lucky colour is Hulk green.
♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20
That favourite coworker of yours secretly hates you. • You will opt for plastic surgery this year. Label the right part before you go under or they’ll have no clue where to start. • Your seats for the show will be abysmal. • Your lucky colour is blood orange.
♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Keep all the receipts, even the embarrassing ones. • Today is what life’s all about. • Go get ’em tiger! Yeah, she was talking about you. • Your lucky colour is lightsaber red.
♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Against all odds, you will accomplish a basic task. • It’s probably just a big freckle. No worries • An argument over a parking ticket will lead to romantic entanglement. • Your lucky colour is lightsaber blue.
♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Yep, that’s a horse • You will scratch yourself at the absolute wrong time. • A sneeze will nearly cripple you tomorrow. • Your lucky colour is lightsaber green.