DAYLESFORD — In a groundbreaking study that has left the scientific community in a state of bemused contemplation, researchers at the Daylesford Institute of Temporal Perception (DITP) have confirmed what stoners worldwide have long suspected: time does move slower when you’re high.
Led by Dr Marigold “Far Out” Thompson, the team conducted a series of experiments in which participants were subjected to rigorous bouts of Netflix binging, munchie marathons, and deep, existential conversations about the universe and “how dope clouds are, man?”
“Our findings are conclusive,” said Dr Thompson, adjusting her oversized tie-dye lab coat. “We put participants in a room with a clock, a bag of weed, and the complete works of Pink Floyd. Within minutes, they were convinced they’d been there for hours. One participant even claimed to have aged a year after a single session.”
“In this fast-paced world, we’re all looking for ways to slow down,” Jenkins explained while meticulously rolling a joint. “I’m just helping folks stretch out their afternoons a bit. You know, like, make them eternal.”
Despite its whimsical nature, the research has profound implications. The Australian Time Standards Bureau (ATSB) has expressed concerns about the potential for nationwide temporal distortion. “If everyone starts getting high and slowing down time, productivity could plummet,” warned spokesman Reginald Tick. “We could see a situation where Australia becomes the world’s most relaxed, but least punctual, country.”
Daylesford residents, however, are taking it all in stride. Mayor Cr Brian Hood has declared “Stoner Temporal Awareness Day” next Wednesday, which will feature workshops on time dilation, a “slow motion” parade, and bong maintenance.
