Here are your Horoscopes for this week.
♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The spider that bit you in your sleep was radioactive and you now have super powers. Go try them out! • Every time you lay your head on the pillow, a luminous red dot appears on your forehead. • It’s as bad as you think.
♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19
♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Do it! • You will find a Ferret in your laundry. • Your exciting plans for the weekend bore the planets. • Your lucky number is a bakers dozen.
♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will be killed by Drop Bears. • Your socks don’t match. • Someone who you least expect to be interested…isn’t. • Stop being late all the time.
♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will receive a phone call from yourself in the future. • Today is what life’s all about. Go get ’em tiger! • Good things come in tiny packages.
♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You won’t have enough to cover your tab. Wear running shoes. • A kangaroo will play a pivotal role in the weekend. • Good things come in ones. • You will get a worthless coupon in the mail.
♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your next shower will be interrupted by a large mildly poisonous insect. • Hug your pharmacist. • A windfall of lunchmeat awaits.
♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will get a phone call that will change your life as it relates to pizza. • Your organs will be harvested and marketed as souvenirs to the Xeaibobia Tribe of New Guinea.