Here are your Horoscopes for this week.
♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Give up on your dreams, everyone else has. People walk on you often. Actually, not often – all the time. Go ahead and hide from the world. Not that the world will notice. The future doesn’t have anything in store for you; it’s all kept in the warehouse, and comes to you via Amazon overnight shipping. Be careful when you order from the website, though. That return policy is tough.
♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your life is a series of ups and downs. Like a toilet plunger. You will surrender to mediocrity. A stranger may mean you harm this week so greet everyone with a blood-curdling shriek. Your fun side comes out in obscene ways.
♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19
The sky’s the limit, but when have you ever stopped at someone else’s rules? Pack an extra pair of socks in your jet pack, because space can get a bit nippy. Also, watch for satellites.
♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20
There’s nothing good on tonight. You say far too much and do whatever the hell You want.
♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20
This week a shark will eat your friend. Well, not really, but you might want that to happen because he is bugging the hell out of you.
♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Skinny jeans and Mexican food don’t mix. Wear something loose so you aren’t caught in a Chinese finger trap of denim. You will find a Drop Bear in your laundry. Do something for yourself for once. Do it! What did I just say?
♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
This week you’ll be very pleased with a decision that you made! The reward of your decision will not be great but you will be happy. Whatever you do, do not doubt your genius self! Winter is a time of reflection but it’s not winter.
♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’ll be more inclined to relax almost to the point of coma. Stop smoking. Or start. Whichever you’re not doing. One is the loneliest number, but two can be annoying if you can’t watch the latest “Walking Dead” episode in peace.
♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands, especially if you’re standing behind a co-worker who’s trying to concentrate. They’ll laugh and twitch and scream in delight.
♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Tell that person you love them. You know who we’re talking about. Wait! No, not him! Stop you fool! Keep an eye out for drop bears this month. You have a stepsister living in Ballarat. She’s coming over for dinner tonight. Succeeding at sucking is not really success.
♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your father is not an astronaut. You eat a lot of ethnic food from cultures You don’t understand. If you can lead a horse to water and make him drink, you’ll definitely be able to talk him into karaoke.
♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
What we used to call “life’s failures” are now known as “teaching moments.” The sun is shining up your butt. Enjoy it. The milk is going bad as you read this.