E-Scooters Given the Go-Ahead; “Oh Shit! We’re All Gonna Die” Says Pedestrian

In a bold move, the Victorian Government have finally legalised e-scooters. The move has sparked outrage among some pedestrians who claim the decision will end civilisation as we know it.

“I can’t believe they did it,” Sharon Kingon said. “Now every jackass is scooting around like they’re in Mario Kart.”

Concerned local Brogan Fork told The Bendigo Standard, “I’ve seen chihuahuas on meth move slower.”

Pedestrians are furious, claiming footpaths are now more dangerous than ever. “It’s like they think they’re Evel Knievel or something”, ranted Rabbit Ratchet from Eaglehawk.

Blaze Williams, who was seen shouting at passing e-scooters, said, “First it was ride-sharing, then getting food delivered by complete strangers. We’re doomed!”

Helmet laws will be enforced to promote safety. “Like a helmet will save you from a face-first dive,” scoffed Sierra Tango from Kangaroo Flat.

Scooter advocates defend the change. “Ok, Boomer,” declared scooter enthusiast Epiphany Rain. “Like, whatever.”

Another concerned pedestrian was last seen hobbling away, muttering something about “kids these days” and “getting off his lawn”.

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