Victoria’s First Heroin Parlour to Open in Bendigo

“It seemed a natural progression,” said Fakey McStory, 87, Sailors Gully.

After watching WWE wrestling become more extreme with the UFC, and McDonald’s become fancy with Grill’d, and Coke-a-Cola go uber unhealthy with Red Bull (seriously even the drink can advises people to stop drinking their drink), there seemed one logical step.

“Coffee shops sell caffeine, right? So we’re making the logical next step,” said Ms McStory.

Sort of like how wine was full of snobs and now beer is, or how you used to be able to eat a sandwich without being asked if you want sourdough or rye or gluten free short crust.

“We’re just ramping it up,” said Ms McStory. “Getting people onto the next addictive drug and normalising it.”

Obviously this isn’t really happening, not only because heroin is so passé that the business model is crap, I mean, Ice Bars are a thing but I think we all know a Meth Café is the real way to go forward, but what’s most important is the bet that most people won’t read the article and get angry.

“It’s basic comedy structure of making the situation worse, an escalation joke, but some people will be all like, nup, no, we’re not having it in my backyard, and what have you, without reading or learning more,” said Ms McStory.

If it was real the Heroin Parlour would be called Shooter McStabbin’s, and have a Happy Gilmore theme.

“We’re basing it on the Big Lebowski bar in Reykjavik, Iceland,“ said Ms McStory.

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