Bendigo Man Refuses to Drink Coffee. Townsfolk Declare Him a Witch

Bendigo locals claim to have discovered a suspected witch among them. The accused, 34-year-old man Gary Pritchard, committed the heinous crime of refusing to drink coffee.

Witnesses say the incident occurred last Tuesday when Mr Pritchard entered a local café only to order a hot chocolate. Bystanders were left stunned at the unnatural beverage choice, immediately suspecting sorcery.

“He didn’t even hesitate,” said one onlooker, shuddering. 

Soon, a mob of angry townsfolk gathered, demanding Mr Pritchard answer for his witchy ways.

Pritchard defended himself in response to the witch allegations, stating, “I just don’t like the taste, that’s all.”

Local gossip queen, Karen McTuttle, proclaimed, “It’s unnatural; we all know coffee is the lifeblood of Bendigo!”

They invoked the time-honoured tradition of the witch trial, testing his guilt by submerging him in coffee. “If he floats, he’s a witch!” cried one villager, holding a pitchfork. To the crowd’s horror, Pritchard emerged unscathed, and his survival was a sign of supernatural powers.

Witnesses shared outrageous stories of Gary’s supposed magical prowess. One claimed he turned water into kombucha, while another accused him of hexing a local barista’s espresso machine.

As tensions escalated, local authorities intervened to prevent the situation from boiling over; historian Bernard Twistleton revealed to the crowd that Bendigo’s last witch trial occurred in 1823 over a similar caffeine-related scandal.

Pritchard remains unapologetic, stating he’ll continue to drink hot chocolate “until they pry the Milo from my cold, dead hands.”

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