Here are your Horoscopes for this week.

 

♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

There’s a video of you on YouTube that you should probably investigate. • Your fun side comes out in obscene ways. • Don’t leave the house for at least a month  • Your lucky number is pie. Its also your lucky food.


♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21


♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19


♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Your best friend just called you a loser. • Things are about to get interesting, but not for you. • You’ve always been committed to being yourself. Stop it. • Your lucky number is -1.


♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20


♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19


♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Your father is not an astronaut. • Money isn’t everything. • They know about the hamsters. • You are being watched but they’re really bored.


♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Go with the waffles instead of the pancakes. • The hardest part is ahead. Stay home and rest. • You find your new feelings rather confusing. Speak to the police. • Your lucky number is .437.


♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22

The receptionist is reading your mail. • Wash your hands more often. • Your next Career: Cat Photographer • Take a chance on that hottie down in the mailroom with the odd limp.


♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Don’t go to the company party. Someone will fart • Your socks don’t match. • Work out. Then again, why bother? • That wasn’t his finger.


♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Your coworkers are planning your birthday party. • Believe everything you read. • Your next Career: Skeptic • Your lucky number is -6.


♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

The milk is going bad as you read this. • Your carpet will stop matching your curtains. • Good things come in ones. • Your lucky number is 0.