New Study Shows That 100% of People Who Exercise Regularly Will Eventually Die

A groundbreaking new study conducted by researchers at La Trobe University has revealed the shocking truth that 100% of individuals who exercise regularly will, in fact, eventually die. This startling revelation has rocked the fitness industry and sent gym junkies into an existential spiral.

The study, which followed a representative population sample for a staggering 20 years, discovered that not a single gym rat could escape the cold grip of death. This finding has left health-conscious Bendigonians questioning their life choices, and some have even resorted to stockpiling ice cream and streaming subscriptions in preparation for a sedentary lifestyle.

Lead researcher, Dr Bruce Jefferson, spoke to The Bendigo Standard about the staggering results. “It’s an unfortunate truth, but our data clearly shows that everyone who exercises regularly will, at some point, cease to exist,” said Dr Jefferson. “I understand that the fitness industry has done an excellent job convincing us that we can achieve immortality through sweat and kale, but our study proves otherwise.”

Health experts are scrambling to respond to the study’s findings, with many questioning the need for physical activity. “If we’re all just going to die anyway, why not spend our days binge-watching ‘Married At First Sight’ and gorging on Twisties?” pondered Dr Linda Hart, a Bendigo-based cardiologist.

One former fitness enthusiast, Chad McChadson, said about his new lifestyle choice: “Honestly, mate, it’s a relief. I was getting tired of trying to run from death on the treadmill. Now I can sit back and let it catch up to me while I enjoy this plate full of bacon and a cold one.”

The Bendigo Standard will continue to keep you updated on this developing story. Still, in the meantime, our editorial team suggests you put down the dumbbells, grab a family-sized pizza, and make peace with your inevitable demise.

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