Here are your Horoscopes for this week.
♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The only way you could love yourself more is if you lived in a disco ball warehouse. Someone should tell you to back away from all those mirrors, but gazing at your own reflection keeps you out of everyone else’s business. Your lucky colour: Lightsaber blue
♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19
There’s a squirrel in a nearby tree thinking about crapping in your hair. God will tell you the meaning of your existence, but in a thick, unintelligible accent. Your lucky colour is Bluey Blue
♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Health is in your future. You’ll throw out your back eating a KFC this week. You will get lost while driving. You will be mistaken for a Kardashian. Your lucky colour is fluorescent black.
♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Health is in your future this week so stop smoking. Or start. Whichever you’re not doing. Your lucky colour is naval orange orange.
♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will fall asleep in a meeting and snore like a leaf blower. You will find something you lost and lose it again a short time later. Your lucky colour is laptop grey.
♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Love is in your future so tell that person you love them. You know who we’re talking about. Wait! No, not him! Stop you fool! Your lucky colour is KFC red.
♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your future is in your future this week when you spend some time thinking about your future. Your missing sock is in a parallel dimension. Your lucky colour is iPhone white.
♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You’re not a cannibal, you’re just curious. You will suddenly realize you’re naked on public transportation. Good for you. Your lucky colour is refrigerator white.
♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Travel is in your future when you fall up a flight of stairs. It’s okay to isolate, as long as you don’t do it alone. Believe everything you read. Your lucky colour is bong water blue.
♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Buy a cat and name it Mel. Something will slip out of your hand and break your foot tomorrow. Your zipper is down. Your lucky colour is Mrs Mangel’s cardigan green.
♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Good things come in tiny packages – No not that. Get your mind out of the gutter. You will find a turtle in your laundry call it Carl. Your exciting plans for the weekend bore the planets. Your lucky colour is banana black.
♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You miss the toilet more than you think. You will fart in front of a large group tomorrow. You will be asked to dance by a stranger wearing a sandwich board. Your lucky colour is… I don’t know… make something up. Use your initiative. You know how hard it is to write these things week after week? I’m not your Dad.